Magnolia - Soulangeana Lennet

This was taken from an excerpt from an earlier writing on February 8th, 2008: Reflection on when GirlMeetsGeek became the brand about finding yourself through solid relationships, not finding someone else.

…And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom…
-Anais Nin

What does it mean- to become? Do we drop everything that we are, that coincidentally we’re working for- everything on the ground to pick up something else?  That’s how I’ve often seen this, becoming.

It was that magic moment- the ‘decide,’ the equasion I did in my head, while my heart beat so fast in my chest at the thought of it- I could have run races.

Maybe becoming just happens. Maybe in the presence of everything else- it’s almost like our nails growing, or grabbing that second Oreo- we barely notice.  Of course, our brain is too involved in other things; that’s the beauty of it all, right?  We can look back and wonder how it all happened so fast.

There’s many things I became, some I’m increasingly proud of and others I’d like to just forget.   I want to wipe out a year.  The entirety of 2007,  I want gone.  I could be a cliche` and say, “I needed that year to be who I am now.”  But truthfull, I didn’t.  That year, I was spineless, and a coward. I am ashamed with my perception of love and genuine care.  That year? Total igorance.

I think for a while, I was afraid of success.  Success?  Meant change which only involved me.  If I had to pick during 2007, I would have given up my career to keep an engagement.  What sort of life would that have given me?

I stayed in the corporate world, just under the radar and dated increasingly pathetic men.  I limited my scope of what I viewed success as for fear, or abandonment, or just plain stupidity.  I didn’t think that I could be what I wanted without someone at my side. And that? Really brings tears to my eyes.  What. Was. I. Thinking?

But becoming and this year already almost two months in, is completely different.  I’m successful, by myself- even after all the negativity of this first month… I am successful.  I’m going to meet some pretty lofty goals this year  and by next year if I keep my heart and my mind in the right place?  I’ll be where I wanted to be and do what I only thought I could accomplish with a husband. (Note: Yes, I actually wrote that.)

And this isn’t to say, I don’t want someone because every time I see a few scenes in coupledom while sitting in a theater or they walk hand in hand? The eyeroll hits the same time as the heart-tug, but I don’t feel like at this moment? That is my only dream. It’s an amazing thing, in realizing the shoes on your feet do not belong to anyone else- they just belong to the person wearing them.  I was walking towards all the wrong things.

It’s that second Oreo that I never noticed putting in my mouth- I’m working and socializing and mommying.. and somewhere along the way?  I got in step with it all.  I’m grooving.