I have a confession.  Today, I picked a date in the old online blog, and my cursor landed on the one entry I was already trying to find.  I’ve grown because of many things in life, but always have sprouted the most because of pain.  This was written about an ex of mine, who is always near to my heart.  I still learn from the words. I wanted to think I was saying these words to someone else. Do you want to know a secret? They were spoken to my inner self, all along.  Sometimes, it’s not about a man, or a relationship, but about a fear of losing ourselves.  Mostly, this was to remind myself that no matter the situation, letting go is indeed- the hardest task.  Take ‘him’ out and put your situation in.  Your job that doesn’t respect you.  Your hidden fear of failure.  The man that never calls back when he says he will.  They are all, HIM.  In hindsight, you’ll realize the beauty of this post, 4 years later and you’ll smile, instead of cry. Sometimes, the hardest life events, shape us for business, right before our eyes.  For every employee that’s been let go, or for the time’s when you’ve wondered why someone left and the pain of it lingered longer than anything else: Sometimes, LIFE just has to come before business lessons.  This was one of my hardest to learn….


“I Know This Room, I’ve Walked The Floor…”

You spoke to me tonight, and I couldn’t figure out the right words to say over email. You asked me how he could just walk away. I tried to explain to you, no one ever just walks away. They leave a part of themselves- but sometimes the part they leave is less than the greater part they want to keep to themselves. (That’s called selfishness.)

You asked how he could just stop talking, stop answering his phone, or stop sending you the looks you’re so fond of.  I think he stopped a while back and maybe you just didn’t notice it?I’m there. I’ve been walked away, left in disarray; I’ve been left for dead.

There’s a part of you that will arise one morning at 7am. You’ll tell him in the best mental voice, “I’m truly over this.”  You’ll want to mean it. You’ll wake up with a vengance for forgetting that he looked good in jeans, or that his kisses were the sweetest you’ve known.  You’ll tell yourself you’re forgetting as you place him farther away from your heart. You can’t rip him out yet, it’s too damn hard, and you’re exausted of thinking about him, anyway.

This is how it goes.

You fall in love with him. (It’s perfect.) There are people actually singing from the skies, you swear you’ve never felt like this, and you couldn’t be happier. (Savor that.) He’ll lie to you, you’ll do something silly, he’ll do nothing, and say that he just doesn’t feel it anymore. You’ll die- a little. You’ll curl up in your bed and swear that at this exact moment no one could possibly understand the emotions you’re handling. You’ll ponder killing him, or kissing him. You’ll ponder suicide, or days of sleep. You’ll ponder him running back, “I’ve made a mistake.” (You’ll still wonder about this a year later.) He doesn’t come back. Anytime he calls, it doesn’t mean he wants you back. You’ll wonder how this ever went wrong. (He doesn’t want you back.) You’ll write him love letters, you’ll keep your distance but ask him just to think about what he’s missing. (He knows.) You’ll sit in your own fermented pile of self-doubt until you finally realize… He is never coming back.

This is where the breakdown starts.

You’ll find yourself checking his webpage, and loudly calling him ridiculous names. You’ll start writing down everything bad he’s done to you. (Tape it to your phone.) He’ll call to check up on you. (Be happy you don’t have kids. That would be just another excuse for him to call.) You’ll think of running into him in the store, dressed to the nines, (and no- he doesn’t want you back.) You’ll scream in your car as his favorite band comes on the radio. Suddenly you’ll realize he had a million favorite bands, foods, colors and that evil moment will come… you will smell another man wearing HIS cologne. You’ll turn around with that look in your eyes, and you’ll see him nowhere. (You might even call his name.) We’ve all done it. The magic moment.. he meets someone else. (Or has he already met her?) We’ll say instead, he goes public with someone else. You’ll see it on his myspace page, (why do 26 year old men have myspace pages?) You’ll sit and wonder why you have one as well. You’ll check it… constantly. You’ll tell yourself you’re forgetting his url as you’re scrubbing down in the shower. You’ll remember next time you’re online and you think of him. You’ll bawl.

The Truth?

Some morning at 7am, this won’t matter anymore. You’ll place him in your ex-boyfriend box. You’ll put him away, and slowly start moving on. You’ll see him online, and not do anything for hours, then days- then? You’ll delete his name from your buddylist. You won’t care if he’s on or off anymore, because he doesn’t care about even being seen with you. These words won’t hurt you as they do now- they’ll liberate you. You’ll scan the personals, (no one looks good in personals- remember that.) You’ll remember how you met him, and wonder if you’ll ever find anything like it again. You will. Seconds will turn into days, days to weeks, and months will go by where you’ll actually not tear up at Radiohead, or anything from 89.3 the wonderful, but evil, CURRENT. You’ll start to hate his taste in music, (as you did from the beginning.)  Then you’ll recognize the truth in it: You grew.  You accepted and you actually bought your own cds of indie music.  You accept the parts that you wanted to keep, all along.  Then, Magic. You’ll begin talking to friends as yourself again, (and not the chick who just got dumped.) You’ll have the sparkle back in your eye that momentarily faded, (but never went away.) You’ll catch someone else’s eye.  Or, you’ll catch yourself being blissfully single. (We won’t talk about the in-betweens.)  The holidays will be the opposite of awesome. You’ll cry at your parents while you’ve been showered with a plethora of goodies.You’re going to be fine.
(I promise.) You’re a pro at this, (remember?)  Yes, you’ll run into him. Yes you’re going to look like crap. When you follow all this, and come out fine?  It’ll all seem strange, years from now, and wonderful.  Nike had it right all along:  The secret of success in letting go, is… Just Do It.

So darling… that’s my advice to you.