I have a confession. Today, I picked a date in the old online blog, and my cursor landed on the one entry I was already trying to find. I’ve grown because of many things in life, but always have sprouted the most because of pain. This was written about an ex of mine, who is always near to my heart. I still learn from the words. I wanted to think I was saying these words to someone else. Do you want to know a secret? They were spoken to my inner self, all along. Sometimes, it’s not about a man, or a relationship, but about a fear of losing ourselves. Mostly, this was to remind myself that no matter the situation, letting go is indeed- the hardest task. Take ‘him’ out and put your situation in. Your job that doesn’t respect you. Your hidden fear of failure. The man that never calls back when he says he will. They are all, HIM. In hindsight, you’ll realize the beauty of this post, 4 years later and you’ll smile, instead of cry. Sometimes, the hardest life events, shape us for business, right before our eyes. For every employee that’s been let go, or for the time’s when you’ve wondered why someone left and the pain of it lingered longer than anything else: Sometimes, LIFE just has to come before business lessons. This was one of my hardest to learn….
“I Know This Room, I’ve Walked The Floor…”
You spoke to me tonight, and I couldn’t figure out the right words to say over email. You asked me how he could just walk away. I tried to explain to you, no one ever just walks away. They leave a part of themselves- but sometimes the part they leave is less than the greater part they want to keep to themselves. (That’s called selfishness.)
There’s a part of you that will arise one morning at 7am. You’ll tell him in the best mental voice, “I’m truly over this.” You’ll want to mean it. You’ll wake up with a vengance for forgetting that he looked good in jeans, or that his kisses were the sweetest you’ve known. You’ll tell yourself you’re forgetting as you place him farther away from your heart. You can’t rip him out yet, it’s too damn hard, and you’re exausted of thinking about him, anyway.
This is how it goes.
You fall in love with him. (It’s perfect.) There are people actually singing from the skies, you swear you’ve never felt like this, and you couldn’t be happier. (Savor that.) He’ll lie to you, you’ll do something silly, he’ll do nothing, and say that he just doesn’t feel it anymore. You’ll die- a little. You’ll curl up in your bed and swear that at this exact moment no one could possibly understand the emotions you’re handling. You’ll ponder killing him, or kissing him. You’ll ponder suicide, or days of sleep. You’ll ponder him running back, “I’ve made a mistake.” (You’ll still wonder about this a year later.) He doesn’t come back. Anytime he calls, it doesn’t mean he wants you back. You’ll wonder how this ever went wrong. (He doesn’t want you back.) You’ll write him love letters, you’ll keep your distance but ask him just to think about what he’s missing. (He knows.) You’ll sit in your own fermented pile of self-doubt until you finally realize… He is never coming back.
This is where the breakdown starts.
You’ll find yourself checking his webpage, and loudly calling him ridiculous names. You’ll start writing down everything bad he’s done to you. (Tape it to your phone.) He’ll call to check up on you. (Be happy you don’t have kids. That would be just another excuse for him to call.) You’ll think of running into him in the store, dressed to the nines, (and no- he doesn’t want you back.) You’ll scream in your car as his favorite band comes on the radio. Suddenly you’ll realize he had a million favorite bands, foods, colors and that evil moment will come… you will smell another man wearing HIS cologne. You’ll turn around with that look in your eyes, and you’ll see him nowhere. (You might even call his name.) We’ve all done it. The magic moment.. he meets someone else. (Or has he already met her?) We’ll say instead, he goes public with someone else. You’ll see it on his myspace page, (why do 26 year old men have myspace pages?) You’ll sit and wonder why you have one as well. You’ll check it… constantly. You’ll tell yourself you’re forgetting his url as you’re scrubbing down in the shower. You’ll remember next time you’re online and you think of him. You’ll bawl.
So darling… that’s my advice to you.