Remember This Post? It received all sorts of feedback. I had over 30 emails asking me where I found out about the ‘monstrosities,’ and a local news station that wanted to showcase the brand as a late-night takeaway. One comment, amongst others was from Kyle. He spoke out about the discrimination men feel and the harmful effects it can have on youth and the future. I wanted to hear his side of the story and I think you’ll agree: Kyle offers an incredibly valid and compelling point of view. As a woman, it’s difficult hearing that men actually feel sexism or disappointment in the way they are portrayed in today’s media. We desperately want to compare our plight with the ‘male plight,’ but really, that does no one any good. I’ve marched with the best of them, keynoted at “take back the night” presentations and minored in women’s studies. What I’ve never heard of, is someone that actually said: Sexism, period, just isn’t sexy.
- – – – – – – -
I’ve grown up watching television occasionally, but I’m not a couch-bound loser who falls asleep with the remote in his hand every night. In fact, one of my main goals in getting my own place and starting my own life was to cut television out as much as possible. That said, I am also a genuine child of the 80s. I grew up on cartoons. I sported slap bracelets, owned a cabbage patch kid, and counted down the days to the theatrical release of the first Ninja Turtles movie. But despite reading avidly since boyhood, eagerly acquiring new skills and information, going to college and getting a job as a writer, I’m still, apparently—an idiot. Or at least that’s what the media seems to want me to believe.
Over the course of the last twenty years or so, entertainment media has made a drastic shift in the way it portrays the average male. Turning on an episode of Family Guy, Everybody Loves Raymond, Yes Dear or any number of “family” comedies will make the message abundantly clear: men are stupid. While there are many reasons for this handicap, it’s primarily something that we men are “helpless” against, and it is pointed out to us at every possible turn: we’re not women, and if we were, we’d be so much better off. The male in most fictional story-based media—primarily sit-coms and commercials—has become an absolute parody of what he used to stand for. Instead of being someone who could be admired or respected on any level, the husband and father have been reduced to the role of a constant comedic foil—when he’s not just being rude, inconsiderate, childishly irresponsible or the “deadbeat” dad.
It seems that entirely gone are the days when the father was portrayed as the one who teaches and disciplines, living out the values that he wished his sons and daughters to carry into their own marriages and lives. Gone are the days of building them up and trying to mold his children into better people. The last men even close to resembling positive role models died off around the time T.G.I.F. went off the air. In fact, the quality father figures of 80s family comedies like Full House and Growing Pains are fossils. While the aforementioned men were certainly far from perfect, they weren’t the absurd caricatures of reality that we’ve embraced today.
The “man of the house” has been replaced by the burping, farting, insultingly stupid gasbags known as Al Bundy, Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin. Is the intention behind this really just a matter of getting laughs? Or is this just subtle denigration toward the male and his role in society? Perhaps it’s both. Either way, it’s time that we stopped sitting on the sidelines, subconsciously supporting male bashing, whether we’re male or female. If the goal truly is “equality”, this kind of stuff has to stop on both sides.
Why we are portrayed this way
I believe the argument could be fairly made that “it’s just not funny to portray them realistically”. There’s validity to that. In fact, I imagine if Peter Griffin and Danny Tanner of Full House were to cross paths, Danny would be told he was “faggy” for being so honest and open with his feelings and that he should go back and play dolls with his little girls. And we would laugh. Is this really wrong? I don’t think so. We watch comedy shows to laugh and to escape from reality. Things are exaggerated to reflect a parody of the reality we know. But we also watch them because, at least on some level, we can relate. That’s what makes it funny to us: feeling a personal connection. Unfortunately, according to what the media continually portrays, to be male means to embrace your own stupidity and absurdity to the detriment of everyone around you. Yes, ignorance is apparently bliss.
To be female is to be nearly divine
The media portrays the woman as the sole bastion of hope, purity and order in the man’s life. If not for the God-sent, rarely-flawed woman he lives with, who could possibly help to bring the idiot husband to the cathartic moment of recognizing his own stupidity? It’s rarely his friends, as most of them are caught with the same label on themselves, if not worse: fat slob friend, sporty guy friend who is always getting into turmoil by bedding multiple women, nerdy guy friend who can never find get a woman to save his life. But most of the leading (ironic) men and husbands as portrayed on tv would seem to be completely unable to function in this world—if not for their infinitely patient, intelligent and saintly wives. In stark contrast, it would seem that most often, the husband figure has the behavior, attention span and mental capacity of a ten year-old at best. While laughing at the absurdity of these grown men’s antics is easy and enjoyable to do, perhaps between raucous outbursts it would benefit us to give some thought to the potentially harmful message this is sending, particularly to the younger generations. Will they understand that it’s all a joke? And perhaps most importantly to consider, women: is it all a joke?
The breakdown of family
As the cranky, crippled Dr. House would say, “Normal’s not normal.” Not anymore. The family itself, as a tightly bonded unit of mutual love and acceptance is all but dead. With unwed teen pregnancy and divorce rate on the constant rise, it’s not likely to get better from here. The reality is that as a result of broken families we are broken people, and perhaps as a coping mechanism, we have nationally embraced dysfunction. It’s become the norm. Whether we men like it or not, deadbeat and illegitimate fathers have had a role in shaping the national perception of what it means to be a father (and husband) and simply, male. For this, we suck and we deserve it. We all need to learn to take responsibilities for our actions. But the issue we’re facing here is that these males are not men. In fact, the males who do this to women are—aside from legal definition—about as far removed from the concept of “men”, as it can get. They are scared, selfish, irresponsible little boys. They are males, but they are not men.
Kyle Hendrickson’s blog “Death to the Sarcasterd” (http://sarcasterd.com) is a pull-no-punches memoir and manifesto for eliminating sarcasm, pessimism, and cynicism as a self-defense mechanism, while still occasionally indulging the humor of it all. In addition to being an on-again-off-again YouTube producer, Kyle is an avid gamer and geek and has been ever since he learned how to run DOS at age 7. He is known to play guitar and lead singing in a slew of 90s songs at get-togethers with friends. When not working or hanging out with buds, he volunteers as a middle school staff leader at his church. If you know your Bible stuff at all (and think you might be able to help him), he already has the “leave” thing down, but is working on the “cleave” part. E-mail him at kjhendrickson82@gmail.com
Just a note: As the bashing has already begun. “How can you even support a man’s point of view?” I can because it needs to be heard. Advancing feminism means actively listening to each argument and making intelligent choices. No one grows by being silenced. Thus, I’m proud to support Kyle’s words. As women, we may not agree with them, but he offers candid opinion and a perspective from a man who says, “enough with the crap in today’s media.” I applaud that. We get no where by holding anyone down. Women and minorities, know this well.
I get what Kyle is saying–TV dads are stupid, lazy loafs and ya, it’s a little weird that they are almost all portrayed this way. Is it because the ad agencies (who, lets face it, control what is on TV) are catering to their target demo (women)? Perhaps. How about showing men AND women as strong, intelligent, powerful partners as opposed to a parent-child relationship that is so often portrayed on TV? True, it’s not nearly in the same universe as issues such as racism, sexual mutation, abuse, etc, but in this context, I agree. Sexism hits everyone.
For the most part I agree with Kyle that the way men are portrayed on television doesn’t do anything to help the male gender.
However, the point I’m most interested in is how does the way men are portrayed on TV affect women? What does it mean that women grown up watching characters that as Kyle so eloquently pointed out are “nearly divine bastion of hope” who are “rarely-flawed” and continually taking care of lazy men? Sounds like an exhausting existence to me.
I love your comment. I think it is an exhausting ideal that can never be reached. It may also be responsible for this totally hopeless quest some women get into of trying to ‘change’ men who are obviously not good for them.
I think the use of the word “sexism” in this post is misleading and not what the post is actually about at all.
I believe what Kyle (the author) is talking about is actually “stereo typing” on TV, not sexism on TV. The use of the word sexism implies that women are doing this to men, when actually this isn’t the case at all. Men are the writers, producers, directors of these shows and the shows are shown networks run by men. In this case it clearly isn’t sexism as the men are not being sexist towards other men, but they are reinforcing existing stereo types.
I would encourage the owner of this blog to change the title of this post to “Stereo Typing Against Guys Isn’t Sexy Either” and change the charges of sexism to stereo typing in order for this post to make more sense.
Judy, you have a valid point of view. I think it’s important to point out that Sexism can happen in both ways, just like discrimination can happen to both sides as well.
I think Kyle was trying to state that he can feel sexism from women in the way that he is stereotyped on tv shows and expected, (from women,) to be exactly what is showcased in the media. I think his fear is one I’ve actually questioned: Why are men portrayed by this, and why as women, do we put down men as ‘disgusting slobs?’ I’ve done it, seen my girlfriends do it and other women join in as well. It’s alike to my hatred that men often casts women as ‘sluts.’ When it happens to either side, it’s tragic.
I think this post has started an important discussion. Can males experience Sexism? I would love to hear further insight.
I noticed in recent tweets you were comparing Kyle’s words to female circumcision or abuse. I want to assure you that GirlmeetsGeek is a blog about empowering everyone- and you’ll notice 99.9% of the time I error on the side of women. This is simply an explanation by a man who feels that he is experiencing sexism. The conversation is started, I hope everyone can join in.
Thanks again!
I believe the real issue is stereotypes. We as humans identify with them. There have been times I have been at a dinner party and offer to help and a kitchen full of women look at me as if to say, “but your a guy, you don’t know how to cook.”( I am a pretty darn good cook) I can relate to what Kyle is saying. As it pertains to TV, the marketing machines of the television networks prey upon our learned societal stereotypes. Plots of stories are thoroughly tested with viewers before they even shoot one scene. The reason we see so many stereotypes is because they play well to viewers because they have already been learned. Thus, giving a green light for the show to shoot the pilot. The keyword there is learned. As a society, we stereotype. Human beings like to compartmentalize and put things into boxes. Stereotyping is what feeds discrimination, helping to cast an all encompassing label of belief across an entire demographic of society. We have all been discriminated against and stereotyped at one point, even children.
Kate has received some flack, well let’s say she has been made a target by another blogger for posting this article. I am not even going to justify the tweets and comments by mentioning her name. I will just say that while there are varying degrees of stereotyping and discrimination, it hasn’t protected anyone of us from them, nor does it make any of it right or less wrong.
If Kyle has experienced sexism (not getting a job, not receiving equal pay for equal work, losing out on a contract, sexual harassment) as a result of how male characters are portrayed on television why doesn’t he say that in this post?
FYI, having a female you are dating have ideas about your behavior that are not true because they watched television is not sexism, that is also stereo typing.
Did Kyle experience real sexism as a result of television stereotyping? I would really like to know.
Hi Ashton (no last name),
I am the other blogger who expressed an opinion about Kate’s post. I didn’t “target” her, I just believe that in this case the use of the term “sexism” on this post is incorrect.
As for someone disagreeing with a blog post: it happens all the time. It happens to me. People point out things that are incorrect on my blog. It happened to me today. Guess what I did? I thanked the person who made the comment and I corrected my blog.
I don’t know why me commenting on this blog would be seen as me making Kate a “target”. Let me know when you are brave enough to let people know your last name Ashton and we can have a real discussion on the topic.
Other than the author of this post, I don’t see men actively engaging in relationships to understand anyone’s point of view. I DO see them actively trying to get others to understand their point of view.
Anyone (male or female) who seeks to compel others to understand them (instead of providing understanding) is at a disadvantage when it comes to any relationship, professional or personal.
Women often have an advantage in relationships because they seek to understand their mate and their co-workers. Television does not depict anyone seeking understanding (as it is in the real world) because it’s not funny. Not funny doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Our fault as a society is looking to the Television to provide an education. It’s role is entertainment. Too many people look at Television as an instructor when it should be used as a mirror.
If you watch it, then you’ll get more of it. Who watches PBS? Not as many as watch “Family Guy” or “The Cosby Show”.
You get what you watch… Turn off the television if you don’t like it. Don’t support what you don’t believe in. Just like I don’t buy ‘wifebeater’ (or ‘babysmacker’) clothing, I don’t watch shows that treat men like idiots and women as bimbos. My time on this planet is too short and precious to squander.
I can say firmly: Enough is enough. Everyone has a valid opinion, if it’s what they truly believe. There is to be NO attacking of other people via comments or on this blog. Kyle brought up a point of how he felt, some agreed, some disagreed- luckily we all can be adults and realize: there is a basic respect level that is missing.
Alan: As much as I usually agree with you- I have to disagree. Simply not buying the clothing, or simply not watching the show isn’t enough. The original post was cited to help people understand the effect that happens when one person stands up for what they believe in, instead of ignoring it. Life is too short to let injustices continue, (re: wifebeater tees.)
I feel like everyone here has a valid perspective. As I mentioned to you Kate, I’m no stranger to criticism, nor do I fear it. So let’s all talk openly—but please, leave your internet-conditioned snark and mean-spiritedness at the door.
I hardly follow twitter at all, but apparently someone tweeted saying:
“I feel slammed when he equates him watching family guy with female circumcision, pay inequalities, female infanticide, etc”
How on earth did I do that at any point? I wasn’t here to assert that male sexism is worse or more prevalent than female sexism or anything like that. If that’s what you took out of my writing, it’s you projecting your own agenda. ALL prejudice based on race, sex, religion, sexual orientation, etc. is wrong and harmful to people. My point was, some men are getting it unfairly from women, too and I believed that point was worth discussing, particularly in regards to the portrayal of the male on television.
No, it’s not anywhere near the extent of what you’ve had to endure and fight for as women over the course of the last fifty years (or however long or short you’ve been alive) and are still fighting today. No, I’m sure I have absolutely no idea what it means to be a woman, since I’m not one and never will be. But that’s not what the article was about.
[...] I believe in the passion behind our beliefs. After watching a very emotional thread on Twitter last afternoon about whether men could experience sexism and in what way, I asked Judy Grundstrom, (@JustJudyBlog,) to help me understand futher the disappointment she felt when reading Kyle’s Guest Post: Sexism Against Guys, Isn’t Sexy Either. [...]
Great post Kyle. I’m happy to see this being addressed. I’ve long been thinking it’s time for a male lib of sorts. I think men and women need to work to remove sexism as a whole not just towards one gender or the other and yet, find that precarious balance where we can still laugh at ourselves.
Its unfortunate though I think sexism will always exist. I have heard that it pendulums though so that the men get the short end of the stick this time
Personally I don’t ascribe to the pendulum theory because frankly that implies that we can determine how far it should be swinging and that would be gauged by people with an agenda who determine for themselves how far it had swung against their gender and to be honest I wouldn’t trust the determination of how much more men should put up with being determined by people who have an agenda like Judy above.