I never thought I’d be the mother who would be picking out kindergartens alone. How the moments have passed by this quickly, is beyond my comprehension. I should have been married by now, starting an addition to the family and never having leftovers from a single box of macaroni and cheese. Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda.
That face. Look up and see that face: the one where my daughter glances at me in between camera beeps and tells a secret. This afternoon I put her down for a protest-layden nap when she looked at me and said, “It’s always gonna be us, no matter what, okay, mom?” I smiled, and I said, “no matter what.” These are the moments where you don’t worry that you have leftover macaroni and cheese, (because you always manage to eat it at 2am anyway) and a reminder from a very wise 4 year old makes all the difference in the world.
When my godmother died, when J. walked out- there has always been one place we go. If I told you the Mall of America’s rides were a distraction from the worst of our days, would you believe me? I’ve had a few teary rides on the kiddie train and one break-down on the ferris wheel, (with sunglasses on,) as my daughter’s only worry was not being able to see the ‘log ride,’ from the very top. We go to forget and emerge ourselves in laughter, and we’ve never come home worse for the wear.
Nothing is certain in this world. What is certain is that since the 12th grade, I’ve managed to spend every 4th of July alone. I’m not sure how it’s happened, between breakups and family vacations and well-meaning friends I’ve ended up at very few firework celebrations. This afternoon, Ava and I are celebrating the weekend by going to a larger town, getting our faces painted, eating cotton candy and playing ridiculously over-priced games. I had a thought of writing about my independence from myself: what I so wanted, but the fact is: as much as I lament about not needing anyone, (we don’t,) or waiting for someone worth us, (we are,) I’m having a hell of a time justifying to myself that my child is going into kindergarten and after almost 5 years, I’m still the only parent in her life.
And that? Is the end of the whining fest. The end of any tears or remorse that in ten years, we can create electronics that earlier baffled us, but I can’t hold onto someone past the 4th of July- which is exactly why I’ll be gorging on cotton candy, my daughter’s pigtails and hot firemen.
Happy 4th.
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Growing up, it was always my mom, my sister, and me. We moved every two years – city to city. I realized early in high school that, most of my life, it was always the three of us and that was one of the biggest contributions to how I turned out to be who I am today.
I never lived without my dad, but I certainly didn’t seem every day or even every week. In fact, these days, I don’t even see him once a month – we are both really busy.
Growing up, I never felt bad that I didn’t live with a mom and dad. Why? Because my mom made sure I had all I needed: love, a place to sleep, and the best friend I could ever ask for (my sister).
Through all of the hell, the sad times, the happy times, the moving, the stupid shit the three of us went through – we went through it all together. The three of us have always been close.
My mom is married now and had a kid (my baby brother), and the five of us make a great family. But there is a strong connection between the three of us that no one will ever be able to break – and I am so thankful for that.
My mom isn’t my best friend – she’s my mom. She fulfills the parental role better than anyone I know because, for the majority of my life, she did the work of two people by herself.
I know you have the power and strength, passion and love to carry the parental role for ten moms and dads. Ava is incredibly lucky to have a mom like you. I can’t speak for my mom, but I can speak to what I experienced as her son, seeing her at our trios best and worst, and tell you that it’s what you make of it. We had our awful times, but we also had amazing times. We became a strong trio because of it. You and Ava will, without question, do the same.
Spending a national holiday alone probably sucks, but just remember, you have the greatest, smartest four year old by your side and the two of you can have as much fun as you want. And if it is just the two of you for a good chunk of her life: own it. She loves her mom and will certainly be a strong person from admiring and learning things from her strong mom.