You can have your cake, and find a man, too.

When I first met Alan Hill I saw an incredibly vibrant and reflective individual.   We’ve become great friends and I attribute most of my success in times of  doubt to his gifted motivation.   We were walking out of the Master’s Forum together yesterday non-chalantly joking about my dating life and why some men, (and women,) seem to want to be right more than they want to fix a situation.

When Alan speaks, he puts all that he is onto the table before you.  The vulnerability and stories he shares are one that has developed me from hopeful dreamer, to published writer.  I hope the following resonates with you as it did to me- with a little humor in-between.  Continue after the jump to see his incredible article.

Men vs. Cake

 If given a choice, most women might jokingly state they prefer chocolate cake to a man, why is that?

Consider the phrase ‘men just don’t get it’.  I see the reality of this statement played out a thousand times at workplaces, when men ungraciously take chairs from tables without acknowledging the existence of the diners at the table in the company cafeteria.  Or can’t explain the concept of ‘wait your turn’ in coffee shops where people are milling about the coffee prep station, where they have the cream, sugar and napkins.  I see it in my rearview mirror as some angry man is driving full testosterone in rush hour – needing to get nowhere fast.  I see, hear and feel it in the conversations I have with your first wife, the one who divorced you because she thought she could get through to you and she thought there was something worth getting through to.

But the question is, what do I see?  Because I didn’t always see it. And I’m still looking inside myself for the answers.  But here’s what I see so far.

A while ago, I read a book – Women’s Reality” by Anne Wilson Schaef.  One point she made in there was about man behavior during retreats she hosted.  Women, without prompting or assigning of roles, almost auto-magically know when it’s time to move the conversation from the table to the kitchen, in order to clean up.  No one is appointed (or assumes) the role of supervisor, no one asks permission to sweep or be assigned the duty of drying dishes.  In fact, there are no blank looks and questions of ‘what should I do?’  For there is no one to ask. Yet the work of cleanup gets done. Contrast that to men the author claims who behave exactly the opposite.  They need someone to assume the role of manager, he who assigns roles, and the others dutifully obey and look to for direction.  The stark point, they feel comfortable with this arrangement, it’s quite natural to them, and that’s why they seek it out and in fact create it in their every waking moment. At home, at work, and in life.  

What if your business ran like those weekend retreats, without job descriptions, without the need for managers?  Imagine people doing the work that needed done simply because it needed doing and it directly benefitted others; without asking for permission or worrying about a loss of position. 

Men’s awareness of what’s ‘right’ is not the only way.  Nor does having alternative operating systems for relationships and business mean one is right and the other is wrong.

As I began to realize that men believe they should shy away from emotions (and by extension, women who have emotional ‘breakdowns’).  Primarily because they believe emotions = weakness that can be taken advantage of. In ‘man rules’ that’s true.  But here’s a secret: If you think of emotions like a big ocean that men are generally lost in, then you wonder why aren’t women lost in that same emotional ocean?  It’s because they can breathe underwater.  They find strength in emotional currents.  Without emotions, women often feel dead compared to men.  Or at least they feel as if they are in a dead relationship.  Want to know what’s killing your relationship? Lack of emotional stimulation.

What I see is a lack of awareness in men of the need and desire to ask ‘what do they mean when they say ‘men don’t get it’? I see the loss of a vital communication of manhood, father to son – the importance of the need to not just seek out other points of view, but the necessity to be wrong. Be wrong in their viewpoints, their opinions, their assertions of what’s ‘right’. 

When I saw this, I began to see my reflection in the mirror of life. As if I was looking at the reflection of life in a department store window… then suddenly I saw that as a man I WAS THE FLAT REFLECTION, looking out at life being lived.  Women are the ones living life fully – they keep it a secret from us because we can’t understand, they’ve tried, and they keep trying.

Before my wife became my girlfriend, I set one critical ‘ground rule’.  If I ever didn’t ‘get it’, whatever it was, I would apologize and ask her to explain.  My ground rule was to listen to understand and change, not listen to be right.  Hers was simply to do her best to explain.  If she could do that, we could have a relationship.  Some men are no better than cake and I see that they don’t want to be wrong. 

Here then, is the question, can your manhood afford to be wrong?  Are you a bigger man than your manhood?

 Follow Alan Hill on Twitter @AlanHill8  or visit his website at: The Miracle Worker; which is what Alan truly is.