Someone I had a date with.. (ages?) ago recently notified me he’d like to hang out again. I had left him a message, a while back after finding a coveted sitter and being blown off for the evening that I’d appreciate if he never contacted me again, but took care. (I’m almost sure I didn’t use my tone. No promises.) He said he had that message still because it was ‘so mean’ and he couldn’t believe I wouldn’t want to talk to him. I was just surprised as you. I figured: I very well might have gotten this entire thing wrong. When he said this, I experienced an entire chain of reaction.
1. Is he serious? Does he cuddle with a blanket, too?
2. Is he retarded? Should I worry about him?
3. He must be manipulative. ‘Allo, restraining order.
4. He’s sensitive and I hurt him! Oh my god, he reached out after.. 5 months -telling me he still had the voicemail to prove how ‘hurt’- (he did say that,) he was and there I was… blowing him off.
I felt awful. I’m notorious for touching base with people. Did I shoot down his paper airplane? And you know what I did? I apologized. I apologized earnestly, profusely and with correct grammar so that maybe in apologizing he would leave me alone and I could get off the guilt of, “what if I just screwed this up with this guy because he totally had something he had to do and couldn’t call me because he fell into a pool of hungry, rancid, sharks and they ate his phone but spared his precious 6-pack body and now, he’s trying to make peace because I’m awesome, and he’s got that great smile and we’re going to have 10,000 babies…” Because just as your eyes were bleeding from reading my atrocious run-on sentence, my soul was bleeding that I had hurt something living and breathing that did not resemble a mosquito or an ex-boyfriend to whom I’ve resided with.
And I did the over-apology thing, and now I feel like an idiot for leaving a message that he couldn’t even follow directions to, an email to which I spilled out my heart because I wear my vagina on my sleeve and I spoke all of this in my check-in with my favorite guys to which they all laughed because the Hulk side of me only comes out when I have to go all Mama Bear on my spare time.
That self-awareness thing… it’ll always get you.
Alanis- “Madness”
I’ve been most unwilling to see this turmoil of mine
The thought of sitting with this has me paralyzed
With this prolong exposure to mirror and averted eyes
I’ve feigned that I’ve been waiting: such mileage for empathizing
And now I see the madness in me is brought out in the presence of you
And now I know the madness lives on, when you’re not in the room
And though I’d love to blame you for all, I’d miss these moments of opportune
You’ve simply brought this madness to light and I should thank you
Oh thank you, much thanks for this bird’s eye view
Oh thank you for your most generous triggers
It’s been all too easy to cross my arms and roll my eyes
The thought of dropping all arms leaves me terrified
I’d have to give up knowing and give up being right
You inadvertent hero, you angel in disguise
