Champagne Supernova

They say that every atom in our body was once a part of our universe- stars and fragments of greatness- now displayed in our own selves.

I wonder then, if when we look to the sky will we see our future family members instead of something intangible- unimaginable? Mere stars that everyone claims to wish upon. Essentially children that we give the power to dictate our most precious wants.

I have no idea of my past. I suppose it’s like walking blindly through a museum. I have nothing to study, address or otherwise argue that I’m not a part of. But it’s nights like these- the only sound outside I hear is the slow push of the wind through the gigantic evergreens and I know that the past that flows through my veins is connected to something greater. I’ve never looked for my birth mother. Excuse after excuse, “It’s too expensive. What if she’s dead already?” Everything clouds my mind until I realize- my heart tells me that I never really cared where I came from- I just cared where I wanted to go.

I watch my daughter sleep, sometimes. The tiny puffs that emerge from her mouth and the contented sighs as she rolls over or adjusts her arms above her head remind me of everything she was when I was able to hold her in one hand. We were one, once. I felt her butterfly, ninja kicks inside my abdomen and with a wild trust in which she forced herself into the world? I knew she was remarkable. I would get to see a piece of me grow before my eyes- I wonder if my birth mother missed that.

Even when I feel most lost- like the days in which I don’t know where else to apply for, (someone must want a freelance writer, hint-hint,) I countdown each moment until 3pm, when I pick her up at daycare and we can explore together. Today we went for donuts and milk and then to a park. She has inherited my complete and utter boredom for the contemporary, or ordinary. Yet- she’ll find the prettiest flower, or marvel in tiny bugs only to show me. I want to freeze preschool and savor it forever.

 If the stars are pieces of what’s meant to come in exploding glory- we are walking on the decomposition of the past. I don’t find this as revolting as one would think. In entirely metaphysical terms, we are walking, somewhat guided by those before us, and looking upwards to those that will come. It makes sense to me and gives me peace.

I’ve always told Ava, “I love you more than the moon and the stars.” I meant it to mean that the type of love I was trying to harness? Was unattainable by all measures. For you couldn’t hold both the moon and the stars, therefore it was so great that it was all around. I hope she’ll understand someday that I love her more than the past and future. 

I think I must be happiest right now, as ironic as that may seem. I look out my window nightly, and sleep in my home to the quiet sighs of the outdoors and creaks, not my own. I’m working on perfecting my craft, when in even a hundred years ago for a woman to write about her daily musings for a living would seem absolutely ignorant. I am blessed. I often think of the tragedy should I have been born in a time where I would have to fight for Ava’s equality or my own. I would have fought to my death as the other parts of me never had a chance to leave the front gate. I keep reminding myself to cherish it all before it explodes. If I am another example of a shining enigma- I plan to be the best light to my daughter and the world I can be.

“We were but stones, your light made us stars.” -Pearl Jam