Touch Base
ie: “Ronaldo, let’s touch base about the powerpoint due friday!”
What’s really being said? “Ronaldo, I need to make sure you are doing exactly what is in my head and what I’ve never spelled out on paper. Let’s see if you’ve understood my vision through photosynthesis, or other means.” ..or not.
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Win-Win
ie: “This solution? Is totally a ‘win-win’ for everyone involved, it helps the bottom line and no one get’s hurt!” (Better said with a “valley-girl” voice.)
What’s really being said: A win-win? Is the best way to suck-up to everyone involved. Fairy unicorns shall dance at the harmless outcome.
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Core Roles
ie: What your boss tacks on to your job description and you have absolutely no idea about.
What’s really being said: These are the ‘typical’ assignments for the job that you’ll often have no one tell you. Stray out of those ‘typical’ expectations and you’ll have immediate and swift wrath upon your cubicle and it’s confines.
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Buy-In
ie: “We need the Legal Department’s buy-in before we push this document to print.”
What’s really being said? We all have to treat each other like incapable children to get anything done. When we suck up, it doesn’t lower our standards, but raises our success!
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Synergy
ie: Anytime a higher-up is determined to make you feel connected to them, that you own a piece of something important, and influential.
What’s really being said? “If I act like we’re all in this together, you ignorant fools are less-likely to screw it up for the 10th time. SYNERGY! SYNERGY! SYNERGY!” /ad nauseum, ad nauseum, puke.
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Working Lunch
ie:You. A boardroom and stuffing your face while going over Action Plans, or timelines. You… only less hungry, but slightly more demeaned.
What’s really being said? “We can’t plan. Thus we need a lunch to go over more planning. Then you get to go back to work. The only difference is, we’ll call on your opinion the moment you fill your mouth with something delicious and nutritious, watch out!” Mwwwaaahahaha!
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Office Politics
ie: “The only way to get ahead at XML Corporation is to play the game, you know- office politics.”
What’s really being said: To make it equal for everyone and separate the mavericks from the mindless robots we are all expected to desecrate the differences within ourselves and conform to a company standard. It’s what we do ‘OUTSIDE’ of work that makes us individuals, dudes.
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“Company Name -isms”
ie: Any kitshy internal company saying that produces vomit. For instance: “We’re Fast, Fun and Friendly!” “Together, we are building the FUTURE!”
What’s really being said? Drink the koolaid, my lovelies. The more you lose yourself and identify with a main goal- you’ll find yourself as a part of something bigger, and less an individual. Company ‘isms’ are also noted to influence company morale, or cause large rushes to restrooms in stomach upset and panic.
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The most important thing to remember: Respectful, Mavericks get ahead. Mindless Robots, are often seen swimming in the gigantic pool of lay-offs. Create a name for yourself, stick to what makes you credible, and an individual. The rest will follow.
…The more you know!
