My beautiful little girl,
There are moments when you are sleeping, (one leg sprawled off the bed and your arms in a monkey-bar-reaching-position,) that I can’t help but watch as you take the smallest breaths and let out tiny snores of preschooler perfection. I come into my room and close my eyes for a while and imagine if I had only ten minutes to tell you something incredibly important, what I might say.
I want to tell you something, that hopefully I’ll be able to show you in all of our upcoming years together. I want you to fall in love with those around you, with life, and with yourself.
Abe Lincoln once had a saying, “I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere to go. My own wisdom, and that of all about me, seemed insufficient for the day.” I want you to live like these words. I want you to witness the beauty, and emotion of letting yourself feel and love another person- wholly and completely, just as I love you.
Most importantly: I want you to witness and gift this love non-romantically. You’ll spend half your life wanting someone to love you back, and, (god forbid,) the other half wanting to do it over again. You need a basis of what true love, truly is.
I love your grandparents in a way that’s unlike anyone else I care deeply about. The love between children and parents is a very deep, amazing, love. I want to model this, and encompass everything that this ideal means to me, for you. The love I have for our family is amazing. I have cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and a sister I care deeply about.
I love my friends in a way that’s incomprehensible at times. Your aunt mindy left tonight and we hugged each other at the door and I always tell her I love her before she leaves- because I know, that given any moment of the day; 3am, even: she would be here if needed. I would do the same. I hope you have friends like that- the kind that you can call after a break-up, or who loan you their arms when tragedy befalls you- that is something I am continuously humbled by. The people around me and their never-wavering kindness is fuel. Let yourself be filled up by it and allow it to nourish who you are- someone so completely loveable, incredible and gifted. Because I say those words? Does not make you exempt from giving your best, daily. Do not become lazy because people label you as special. Become extraordinary because you care about yourself and those around you enough to not settle for the median of what could be. You are better than that. Tell everyone around you how you care, and mean it. These words strike me sometimes as overused, but when said in the right way with the conviction of who we are? They are powerful, rich and rare.
And how do I love you? In such an unimaginable way. I always whisper to you, “I love you more than the moon and stars.” I try to quantify what I feel in light years and I still come up short. I think a mother could never put into words exactly what holding the most important piece of our lives feel like. A masterpiece, a crescendo- something priceless- a wonder. We could fill up dictionaries with our thoughts on it. I’m convinced that’s why there are so many romantic love songs: we can quantify that. Love for a child is incomprehensible, and nerve-wreaking to our psyche. What if we forget these thoughts that we want to share with you at 11:10 at night? What if you grow and never fully understand how incredible you are? What if you base yourself on what we think? What if you don’t give yourself enough credit? Our life from the moment you are conceived has begun the ‘what ifs.’ I promise you, just like our talks on the couch, or snuggles before bed- I will always tell you my greatest secrets and ideas of whats important.
It was raining earlier today, and now the streets are dry. Do you see how quickly everything can change? In the spectrum of it all, it was only moments ago I told you, (too harshly,) to stay out of the puddles in your sandals. The streets are dry and the promise of rain looms again. That is our life, darling- a moment. I blink and you’re almost four years old- using the potty, sleeping without a pacifier… who is this little adult?
Today I heard you yell from downstairs answering the dvd when it asked you how you’d react to ‘strangers.’ You screamed, “THAT’S NOT MY MOMMY!”exactly when the dvd asked. Knowing that you’re grasping these concepts of keeping yourself safe and keeping me proud is an amazing, amazing, thing. No child will ever be more prepared to enter the world of ‘don’t knows, or strangers,’ huh? It soothes my soul to know you understand your own fraility- and in return, the power of your screams, and knowledge. You may be little in body- but your spirit is gigantic. I already know.
I feel better, each time I write to you. You may eventually read these silly musings from your concerned, (and tired,) mother- or you may not. That’s the importance of it all though: My original point.
Allow yourself to love and be loved. Feel it- with all you are. Go to bed at night and if you find yourself staying up because you feel like you must say things that you haven’t said aloud? Give yourself the gift of writing them down. Call someone on the phone- take each moment and make it mean something greater. The greatest power we have is not earning the most money, or being in front of people: It’s the ability to be vulnerable with our feelings and find the common denominators between those we care about- and saying it out-loud. Never let your mind talk you out of feeling the things you truly feel. Our minds can be silly things: filled with thoughts of how we should act, or say. Our minds try to conform to the ways of society, or duty- but your heart knows better. One keeps us safe, the other, keeps us emotionally intact. If you chose to live in each moment, and love with everything you have? The rest falls into place. Of that I’m aware. I’m so proud of the big girl you are becoming.