Girls…

I have very, few, girlfriends.

I sat up in bed a few moments ago and was wondering- in all the gatherings at my home- it’s always Mindy and I- and whatever mix of my guy friends that can make it. I wondered if it was a secret everyone but me knew- maybe… I was born without a penis- or had one and it fell off, (on account of being obsessed with Ann Taylor Loft and all.)

If and when- I ever walk down the aisle for myself- I knew I’d always have to doctor in a few guys to stand at my side- and it’s never really dawned on me that I was missing out at anything, even when I saw brides with 6 girlfriends- standing, giggling, doing girly things- hugging, triumphing over womanhood and whatnot… I really don’t know what I’m missing- do I?

Facebook is the devil. Suddenly someone’s name pops into your head and you google them only to find out that yes- they found happiness, and a wedding in Hawaii with a freaking sailboat and like 10 flowergirls and… a million bridesmaids. What is the deal with all the bridesmaids? And she looks happy and I know? On my wedding day? To feign nervousness, my guys would make pretend puking noises, or mouth something hilariously inappropriate and we’d all skip down the aisle- blissfully uncomplicated by estrogen. Or.. I just keep telling myself. But moments like this? Won’t last. I keep reminding myself that the crew will dissipate soon. Crosstown parties with homemade cookies, movies and witty banter might not exist forever. I’m so grateful for my friends- who are teaching me about life, and myself.

I’ll face it. I somewhat refuse to get close to my girlfriends, (except Mindy- who for the utter grace of god, in all my hellishness has not walked away yet- and concerning the fact we’ve known each other since we were potty training? It’s a damn miracle.) She’s my patron saint. The others? The ones I thought would be around forever- Jess, and Kristen, Stacey and Jenn from high school- … they just disappeared. Only two really plague me- Kristen, most recently. The last time I heard from her- she was instant messaging me at work and I was in an open tirade about something with my boss- and not being able to pick up Ava from daycare, even though she was very sick- and … I called her later to apologize, then sent a ton of emails- but.. that was months ago. As quickly as she came in- she left. I wondered why I bothered to get close, at all. And Jess? Jess is another story, entirely- and everyone has a great backstabbing friend story- except… I still think of her- and miss her infinite mom wisdom. I think of how things used to be when I sit in her grandmother’s rocking chair- and wonder how big her little boy is- and if she wonders the same about Ava.

Sometimes, Mindy grabs my hand at movies. We’ll sit next to each other on the couch and if she’s sad or crying- I’ll hug her, or she’ll pat my hand- and in silence… we get one another. We talk of boys, and the eternal battles for the opposite sex- we’re past the days of sitting and braiding each others hair, but we joke that when we’re old, we’ll french braid it all into knots and spill secrets about our blissful marriages. Maybe- you get one, friend, like that. The friend that will kill for you if necessary, or someone that will come over and help you organize your daughter’s room when you don’t know where to begin. One best girlfriend and wonderful guy friends- and really.. for that? I’m entirely too lucky.