Dear MiddleEastern Scammers/”My next of kin”…

Despite my best attempts, (and gmails,) my inbox has been flooded recently from middle-eastern men looking to send me money. Nigerian scamming is even jumping races! It’s incredible. This was my attempt at getting back at him.

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Dear Mr. Suleman Muhammed, How lucky we are that our paths have crossed. Certainly Allah has noted our circumstances and sends his almighty blessings to us, both!  Bless Allah! Bless Styrofoam containers filled with ranch dressing! Blessed be those who are full with diet coke! Puppydogs!  You stated I was your next of kin and I am honored and pleased that I can now say that I have a middle-eastern uncle/brother/illegitimate child/great-aunt whom out of all our Irish heritage, has olive skintone and a reputatable purpose! Wait… what happened to Morris Thompson? He’s dormant? Laying around for all to see? My kitchen refrigerator is also dormant- and it is a serious issue! ALLAH!  I am in dire need of your assistance.  As a lower-corporate employee to one of America’s largest corporations, I find myself in serious financial difficulty. I can not afford the things I often see on the television, or even a new car! Certainly Allah has found you, so that I may not be forsaken in my quest to own things I really, don’t need. Puppydogs! I appreciate your candid email. You must be emotionally and physically overwhelmed, as I noticed the serious mis-attempts at spelling and grammar. I will help you! You are my brother! I will help you, if you first help me. I need about $220 Million dollars to comfortably live for the rest of my life without having to work. I will mail you one, “Amirica” dollar, and in return? You shall mail me $220 million dollars. Keep my dollar that in good faith a seat is waiting for you in the afterlife, filled with ugly virgins, and whatnot. Puppydogs and berries! Mr. Muhammed, please do not delay. My dreams await your help and fortune. As a thank you for your gift, (because I am a very, generous, person,) I’m going to mail you a picture of Britney Spears. I’ll find it and print it out from online. May she watch over you all her days. From each moment she girates her hips or gasps in annoyingly-fake orgasm, you shall be in my prayers. She is as genuine a singer as you are my kin- and I never shall forget you!  Every time I hear any one of her hits on the radio, my thoughts will go to you, my middle-eastern man-servant! Kittycat Rhinoceruses!  Once I receive the money I’ve humbly asked for, I will be happy to send $10 million dollars back your way. This benefits both of us, and our almighty savior. For I am going to build a shrine in your name, with lollipops and discarded condom wrappers. It will be GLORIOUS! I couldn’t do all the math you requested, so I decided just to take your $8.5 million dollar request and make it $10 million. (Because really, what is $10 million out of $220 million dollars.) I don’t know. But I’m a generous lady. You can have it! Furthermore, please remit your payment, (generous gift,) to: 111 Washington Ave. South
Suite 1100
Minneapolis, MN 55401 When calling, please reference this email, and they should put you immediately in touch with me, or one of my counterparts. As Britney Spears so wisely states, “I am a slave for you,” merely your humble servant. Shall you need any more information to complete our transaction, please do not hesitate to call. I’ve set up a large team in my Minneapolis office to address your issues and they are presently awaiting your call at 612.376.3200. Please do not hesitate! Sincerely yours, forever and ever, and ever, and ever, and then some- Schapoopy McDonaldson

On Tue, Apr 21, 2009 at 1:28 PM, suleman_muhammed.4 wrote:
I am Mr suleman muhammed Staff of BOA Bank in Africa Burkina Faso, Indicate your interest to receive the transfer of US$8.5 Million 50% for me and 40% for you then 10% for any expensesthat wiil occure during the transaction, You will stand as the next of kin to my late customer whose account is presently dormant his name is Morris Thompson resident in Amirica upon your reply i will give you the full details. reply me with this Email..suleman_m01@voila.fra