My life is a proverbial pandora’s box. (It’s actually like, Pandora’s Shack- because everything couldn’t fit in an actual container- warehouse? …Maybe.)
I somewhat think of my life in chapters. Lately they seem to morph into who I’ve dated, what horrific things/awesome things have occurred and what too-little-too-late realizations I picked up on the way- same old, same old- very, very predictable. I’m a whiner- I’ll accept that.
I had a fantastic evening last night. After deciding to have people over afterall, cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom- I sat on the kitchen floor with Jb, and we drank a bottle of wine and talked about relgion.
Maybe it’s just me- but lately? I’m craving enlightenment. It’s almost like the feeling of hearing something for the first time each person speaks, or realizing you excel at a subject and want to decipher everything about it; what makes it up, secrets and persuasions.
We’re losing things, aren’t we? A lot of us have lost our jobs, houses and cars- sadly, most of us are losing hope. Maybe that’s it- with all the shit that’s going on- all the things we build up around ourselves, like giant forts of material sustainment- have crumbled. All we have now is each other.
We sipped wine out of ordinary glasses, because I couldn’t reach the wine glasses and I figured- this was fine. Our backs were against the cupboards and my feet were inches away from the other side in my small galley, kitchen. The gate was up, and my puppy was locked in with us, resting his head on a lap or leg. It was comfort- like sitting on your dorm floor and talking about life with roommates and friends. All of you comfortably alone and on your own for the very first time- struggling to find people that shared a part of who you were so you could build something external. We talked about our views of heaven or hell- or, in my case: lack of, and we talked of what we thought it was about, and certainly- what it wasn’t.
In college, the fear was controlled. We knew we could simply go to the cafeteria for our next meal, and when we went home- we always had free laundry and a home-cooked-dinner. We all joked that we were poor, but I’m not sure any of us really minded. We had what we needed; we were safe, intoxicated and secure in the fact that our professors told us we were both genius and savant.
It’s the kindness of that era that always made me long for it again. Someone was always there at 3am to hear about a shitty test or a fight with a long-distance-lover. Someone always was cooking ramen, and to this day? I equate that with comfort- and promise.
It’s in this day, that I tell you- the kindess that I have been showed lately- even despite the intentions of some- is overwhelming. We are at our best, when we haven’t the most. I’ve always been amazed that those who do not have the materials of everyone else, are usually the first to respond to crisis. As people lose, or become sick, frightened or alone- we reach out. Most people despise the economy today. I realize I sit better than most- as hard as it is to make everything meet in the middle- but I don’t despise it. People are reaching out like never before. And I’m loving that.