Be Inspired Here
A good girl knows that a heartache playlist includes anythign Beth Hart, Tori, and a little Cobain for kicks.
There are so many songs that speak to me at different times. This song is encompassing the thoughts as of late, (although Minnesota is a hell of a lot different than the sunny beaches of California.) I can sing along even now- hitting each note- encompassing a silent promise to myself.
Josh emailed me tonight. A sweet email- something of care and concern that up until this point, either I’ve dodged or truly believed no longer existed. I was humbled- and on guard- but mostly, the first.
People can surprise you. In the depths of what happens, and in the dark outcomes that we never feared- sometimes, everything that happens- MEANS SOMETHING. I won’t pretend it means he loves me, or cares- but maybe it means- “Hey. I know. You do what you need to do.” And that to me, means more than anything else.
Do you get stuck- in a place where you’re afraid to stand up from, and afraid to shrink farther in- so you kneel, or cement your body uncomfortably along the sides, guarenteeing you’ll not fall farther down, or be able to arise. You pray you can stay in the unknown- in the uncomfortable because the other choices involve so much fear- that it’s almost incomprehensible to imagine yourself in any other circumstance? I do. I have. Often- ruts are my middle name. My best work is done, in the standing up- in the power… and I fail at igniting my engines.
I sat for a while, after reading the email and thought- everyone knows, but me. Even the ex-fiance, I’ve tried so hard to brand evil and heinus with words- knows. The words were kind- and I was humbled by the fact that after everything that went on- he dared write something kind.
Kindness in the middle of a thunderstorm – does more than shield from the rain. It causes something- to break- or puncture, and suddenly an open wound isn’t the perceived scar you thought it would be. The skin is healthy, glowing, infact. There’s nothing there to pick at, anymore.
What if – from one of the scariest places, came something so amazing- and so powerful, that in typing this- I can’t even begin to explain the anger, or pain- I don’t feel.
It’s my fault- you know? I should have accepted the kindness a long time ago- but I wanted to be angry, and hurt and wound with words and ‘wittiness.’ I built my own grave, didn’t I? You think you want answers to why someone didn’t chose you, or left you, or hurt you- but really- in the end- (as clique as it all sounds,) kindness- is all you really hoped for- but you couldn’t begin to want his kindness, when you wanted answers instead. I would have never- ever, let it go, had this not happened. I would have beat myself up, and him up- and fine-toothed-combed, (it’s totally now a verb,) everything that happened with painstaking importance.
He said I was strong, and good. And coming from the one person I didn’t think believed that- it means more.
I know my greatest fault is the want to not let go, and control- and overanalyze everything. In taking away my control, and embarassing me- Breon Nagy taught me a powerful lesson, and one I know will be a notch on his belt. He taught me to leave him behind.
I’m terrified of the unknown- and I’m not very sure what is going to happen. But one, simple, email- gave me peace. And it was what I was looking for- for almost 9 months.