Someone recently contacted me, and we went back and forth for a grand total of one minute before the interrogation started.
It started with, “how old r u.” (Do people really talk like this when they aren’t texting?) “did you go 2 college” Kind of put me in a sour mood, and the finale of, “u hot” kinda… cemented that my lesbiandom is creeping more and more to the surface. Lesbians have become a magic place for me like disneyworld. I tell myself, Lesbians use punctuation, and they don’t care about your tits or your ass.. (wait.) You sit around and talk about your emotions, then you can get each other off- and talk more!!! You can bake together, and lesbians? READ MINDS. They know to clean up the dishes before you even ask, because you know to.. and it’s like THIS. (That’s me.. interlocking my fingers together.) Right? Someone please tell me that when I officially swear off men, the great gift of disneyland/lesbiandom is waiting. I’ll miss the penis- but reading minds? That’ll fix it.
“Baby, can you get me a soda?” (There’ll already be a diet coke there…. with a lemon.)
“Baby, it’s cool I hang out with guy friends right?” (It’d be totally cool.)
“Baby, does this make me look fat?” (Wait… I don’t think there’s any neutral response for this…)
I never thought I’d say this- coming from the ‘a/s/l’ generation, where you’d pop into a chatroom, call out to everyone, (just as the person before you did about 20 seconds prior,) and stated, age/sex/location, then proceeded to ‘pm’ (private message for you non-geeks,) and eventually someone would bring up cybering, (you’d cringe,) or.. if you were with your girlfriends you’d mock him openly and pretend to play along.
Him: baby you hot.
Us: I like pasta
Him: u good at cyber
Us: I’m taking off my left sleeve. (Crap! I should have done laundry.. I mean- I’m not always dressed like this. It’s laundry day. Forgive the underwear, alright?) I mean.. I’m not wearing any underwear.
Him: thats the way i like it
Us: Of course it is.
(And so on.)
Today? The rules are the same, though- the game is a little different. As I grew older, I learned that the more punctuation someone used, the more they cared. Those that didn’t immediately jump into, “asl’s’ were the keepers. (And no one cybers anymore- right? Pleasegodyes.)
I guess what I’m trying to say is… where the hell did our manners go? We don’t even use the right words when we text. (Which- I’m also a cuprit of. You should see what happens when I’m in a hurry. My sentances are a nonsense of spelled out words that make no sense together. The better my friend? The more they know what I mean.) Seriously- it’s tragic. We only talk to someone if they meet our checklist, (which- we immediately thrust in their face to see if they’re even worth talking to.) Maybe I just need to grow those balls.
Well, Mr. Non-AwesomePants emailed the following:
“guess we arent a good match. you dont want to answer simple questions to get to know me. youre scared to send a picture. you’ll need luck.”
I wanted so badly to send him the one where my momboobs are shining beacons of twenty-something perkiness, and i’m smiling without anything in my teeth. Instead, he got the one that I photoshopped an extra love handle or two, and a missing tooth. (It was well done, if I say so myself.)
#(*$#&(&$(*&#(&(#$*&(*#&$. (Additionally, *$^& %$#.)
-I gave up swearing for lent.
