I thought I saw a light shine…

May the grace of god be with you always and your heart always know you’re in the right place and may you always know that you’re a part of something beautiful…and i thought i saw a light shine: shine….

-Alexi Murdoch

A while back, (years to be exact,) I went to an Alexi Murdoch show with someone whom I no longer speak. The entire concert was almost a church-like experience, and when this started, I felt like I was in the concecration of the water into wine bit- I felt my body move and my mouth sing words I had only heard once before. This is the snippet on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EyXqF3o3Hig

I was a kid who grew up on Newsboys, AudioAdrenaline, and DC Talk. I was Ms. Secure in my faith- bring it on. Lately, I’ve become agnostic, angrier and impassionately… boring.

I thought I saw a light shine. Story of my life. For so long- I thought there was something guiding me- and suddenly… I’m entirely, entirely, alone. I promise you- for every prayer I’ve muttered in this bed, or at my wheel – the tears that fell down my cheeks in quiet desperation to feel something… anything- a presense in my house, a figure by my bed- I’ve felt nothing. Surely, that’s now how it’s meant to be. I want to be back at churchcamp, or at this concert, before failed engagement number two- chanting words I believed in- that I was part of something beautiful- that God wasn’t inside me- but instead guiding me. There’s too much pain- I keep looking around- there’s too much pain in everyone’s eyes for this to be so anymore.

I’m a magnet for the isolated, or worried. I’ve blogged this before and many times- retold stories of people walking up to me and telling me ridiculous pieces of their lives that I never wanted to know. Today? On the bus? My bus-driver, M. proceeded to talk about 15 minutes about her complete and total fear about losing her job all whilst switching lanes and having a full busload swaying uncomfortably in their seats. I wanted to hug her. I’m there- sometimes, I feel like if I can’t get anything out I’d explode. We hold fears in- and the moment someone pays attention, touches us or remotely seems interested, we flock.

When I got into work later that day, a coworker, (a boss actually,) came over to my cube and started crying. (We’ve let her team go,) and she’s been put in charge of all the preparations for moving other teams and making a sandwich with a few crumbles of bread and some jelly. She bawled in my arms and I felt like saying- I promise you- we’re all at a loss, right now.

For some it’s work- and the constant reminder when friends are laid off, or families are moving out of once grand houses. For others, it’s the mounting bills or debt. Some can’t find work at all. Some have given up. We’re all trying so desperately to swim in an ocean that we’ve all made. Most of us are angry from having to fight each current so hard- some of us are bored of floating, and others- have fallen under to create a false calm on the surface. We’re all really, fucking, angry.

So I sit. Crying in my bed- listening to songs over and over and trying to find meaning in pain when there is none. It’s more about a car crash, or a broken engagement, or friends, or family… it’s about wanting so much to stand still for a while- and not worry that I’m not moving- or teaching, or affecting someone- because that’s the only reason or success I can find. -Connecting.-

I feel as though sometimes, my fingers have so much more to say than my mind can muster, (especially at 11pm.) There’s failure in realizing that the biggest part of you has been lost and no matter how much you try you can’t get it back- no amount of tears, or self-reconciliation, or even pretending will make something appear that just isn’t there. I feel like screaming at my walls- I. NEED. SOMETHING. Reasons- figures emerging from the white- really, anything would do, wouldn’t it. A flesh-eating ghost… something tangible. Because the only tangible thing I have? Is the fear that I messed it up years ago and there’s no turning back.

Sometimes, a good release is in order for everyone. The weight in which we carry becomes too heavy even for the most emotionally-in-shape. If God is speaking to me- through the people I’ve met- knowing that others are hurting as much, (though in different ways,) is no consolation.

This is it, that breaking point- the one we always dance away from. I can tell you- what I’ve experienced in the last 2 months has made me stronger, bitter, wordier, and truthfully… sadder, than anything I’ve ever known. I’ve seen pain in everyone’s eyes- and no one has died. I’ve become an emotional zombie, myself- unable to give love to those that have asked. I’ve lost out on a few relationships, gained self-awareness and independance, but mostly- sat in dark rooms and reflected on the timing and meaning of things that in the end… truly did not matter.

I don’t know why it’s all happening- one thing after another like this. I don’t know anymore- much of anything. I find myself literally, starving for good luck- any piece of something resembling what I had, or thought I posessed.

Someone texted me today, “This is a test.” (Of what, God’s emergency broadcast system?) Because if there is a god- and he can kill people I love, harm others, let someone hit my car, screw up my back, cut off half my team, and create evil like this- I’d much rather burn in the firey pits of damnation for sitting down and bawling my freaking eyes out, than politely stand up and wave an, “I love you Jesus!” flag.

I truly have always believed- God might be inside us, he might be nowhere but in our minds guiding us to the right things we should do for others. I’ve responded accordingly. I gave until it hurt, I picked myself up… I stopped whining and worked harder- but I am still being, ‘tested?’ I unsubscribe. If oversubscribing gets me peace for a while- I’m much better with that.

I feel something- it’s deep inside, and it’s burning. I’ve always felt it- and I’ve always had an ache- and more than ever? I feel like it’s telling me something. There has to be a reason- that people flock, or that my mother constantly jokes about my ‘black cloud.’ That the men I find, run into the arms of others, or that despite everything, and all the self-reflection- I still cannot get comfortable in my own skin.  Why is it- that in such pain, when most people find comfort, I just find others that feel the exact same way I do- and we intensify each other- like bright lights in a darkened room. Most would find comfort- and me? I just find it blinding.

Pale light this morning
Woke me
Slow pain I feel
Will not let me be

So much work to do
I don’t know if I can
Trying so hard, so hard, so hard
But I’m just one man

Five years old I climbed up on the wall
My mother warned me but I took no heed
Like all creatures great and small
I took a fall and found out I could bleed

And I wake up crying

-Alexi Murdoch