Today, a childhood friend is getting married. She’ll put on her gown, making sure everything is perfectly in it’s place. And as we’ve emailed back and forth, I know she’ll be at ease. I’ll see her coming down the aisle, looking at her love, and maybe- because of the way I feel now, or maybe it was the fantastic wine and fondue last night- but I’ll be aglow for her. Some couples have something- incredibly true. Thank God- that still exists.
Bre and I will be at the wedding. Our giggles of, ‘…awkward.’ I’m sure will far outweigh anything else that’s going on. We had an interesting couple weeks, we cooled it down and suddenly I’m more worried about losing my best friend than actually getting married. (This.. is a beautiful thing.) I’ve been seeing people- strange dates of brilliant conversation, and handholding. I didn’t want to rush into anything, or throw everything into one crate as I had been. The last thing on my mind was a ‘replacement’ or something to move me towards the ultimate goal of everywoman out there… getting married. I started becoming more worried about saving to take Ava to Disney, or where my next move might be, (downtown loft?) As I shed the pounds and the sorrow- I also shed expectations to create everything as I had been creating it… building it up to watch it fall.
I think- the place in your life that you are, is who you attract. I had been attracting reckless, needy, people at an alarming rate. And in turn? In hindsight? There I was.. equally reckless and needy. Throwing my emotions like paint on a white canvas. Subdued, intellectual, dorky me- is attracting a different sort of person all together. I have had a plethora of decent, nice people. Even my friends seem different. I cleaned the cupboards, and I stopped expecting different results with the same equasion.
I’m learning to adjust to a new lifestyle. My home- somewhere no one can displace me from- is becoming more of something to share. People come over, and they know where my cups are, or the bathroom, and I have a silent pride when they comment on it all. I’ve been sleeping in lingere, since my child sleeps in weekdays and ironically, I’m the one to wake her up. (Weekends are her domain.) I’ve been looking at my body in every angle, and my mind- in every scenerio and I’ve determined that I came into my own a bit ago, and these are the results. I guess you could call it… celebration. A victory dance of sorts over a body and mind that never thought it would move from Serenity Circle.
And in my own way- when she walks down the aisle, I’ll do a victory dance for her. My beautiful friend has been there to see far too many failures of my own life- and strangely… instead of jealousy, I find satisfaction in her win. It’s stories like hers that make it all capable of being believed. Without the love stories, or the triumphs, we’d be nothing. I’m sick of the fairytales of books, or movies. I want Christina and Ted, something touchable and real.
Congratulations, Sweetheart! 
