It’s the holidays, isn’t it? We ended up with a total count of 11 families.. (which I found astounding in itself, I’m pretty damn proud.) When all the gifts were given, and one huge lcd tv received, I sat…in my apartment, pantsless, on my bed and finally breathed.

I sat in church today, with a very misbehaving three year old, and I looked at all the other families. I wondered what it might have been like if my idea of who he was there, and pondered that maybe during the prayers of the faithful, I’d ask god something horrible, spiteful and just plain violent. Then, my nephew, who is twelve, scooted over to me, and put an arm around me. I cried a little- the simple gesture of an amazing boy put me at peace for a bit. I think I put my head down on his shoulder, (it’s disgusting that the child is like half my age- and taller.) Depressing, even. He looked at me and said, “Aww… you’ll be fine.”

I sat and looked at the lights, and all the comforts of an entire life spent in one parish- but I stopped feeling comfort from this building or it’s ideas long ago. Ironically, the homily- (a touching story about a boy who offers to keep Jesus warm as a gift and explains in parable form that we are never alone,) is exactly what I didn’t want to hear.

Sometimes… it’s 12:24 on Christmas Eve.. and you’re sitting pantsless in your bed- and you’re typing away because you think running around naked with christmas carols blaring and downing an entire bottle of malibu might wake your child- so you sprawl out, and you write- because saying something here, makes it real.

It’s my first christmas, alone. There’s no one rolling over, saying, “Merry Christmas, baby!” There’s no one climbing down the stairs to make sure we put the presents together perfectly… it’s just me- and the excitment and adrenaline of creating the wildest christmas ever has taken it’s toll, I’m afraid.

This is it- the reality, the fear, and it’s all in a somewhat bare cabinet. Maybe he’s in love again, maybe he’s not,  (I’ve gotten to the point where I no longer care,) but here it is- an open cupboard, a few cans of food, and a really great bottle of vintage 2008 reserve.