May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of his hand. ~Irish Blessing
I think we have to make decisions- sometimes the hardest decisions we face- whether to hunker down in a storm, (not even knowing if what you’re staying for will make it through,) or packing up the nessessities- hoping for the best.
We’ll still see each other- afterall, he still retains crap of mine, and I retain crap of his- and the reasons to bring said crap over are dwindling as the garage floor is more visible now. I used to think it all meant loss- the loss of him, and what I had created in my mind that he was. It’s a loss of ‘couldhavebeens,’ that’s all.
He came over last night to finish hanging the curtains, and try to fix the bed. I told myself when he stared at me during dinner, or any other motion thereafter, he’s shopping. He’s trying the merchandise. I may be too expensive for his taste- I want respect, and honesty. I wanted to be the only one- a promise that he made when he put the ring on my finger. Now? He wants someone cheaper, who doesn’t require as many things upfront, except the usual firstdatedom. He has to be perceived as charming, cute and kind- that’s all. He wants to make no deposits, he just wants to withdraw from everyone else.
So- at 1:06 in the morning last night, after talking to a favorite friend, we rationalized it out- and it wasn’t a moment that hit me- rather if you knew the whole situation of yesterday you’d understand.. but- maybe you can’t choose whether or not you’ll love someone- but you can choose how the love affects you. He’s taken so many withdrawals from me that I’m bankrupt. I kept trying to put things in- and he took those too, but as I waited for him to put something back- nothing came. He lied- even last night. These lies- I wish he could see mean nothing- they only hurt whatever trust he says he wants me to retain, which… I’m not sure there exists any. But he spins these stories like he seriously believes them. And he looks at me and says, “no more lies, I promise.” And I think… Are you seriously believing yourself, even now?
I never put any pictures of him up in my new place. I put a card from BlueFin Bay to remind me that it was all happened- (because it’s hard to believe he’s even the same person I knew over the summer.)
I realized some things late last night. I dont’ nessasarly want -him.- Truly, I think at any point after a break-up we want a warm body. I kept telling myself that meant I needed him. That’s like saying I need an alcohol addiciton. He does the same thing to me- numbs my senses, and creates havoc in all areas of my life.
Breaks my heart to read these kinds of stories. Mostly for the pain my friends have went/are going through, but partly because I wish I had that. I’d give anything to have a warm body, and I’d do anything to keep her. These guys, they don’t realize how good they had it. Yet, they continue to have better luck than I. *sigh*
It’s strange, isn’t it? I think I remember him saying those words, too. I have a firm belief- most of us wouldn’t intentionally hurt someone else. But we’re human and we error and then we have to deal with our history when we look back. Paul, you have a good soul. I know this about you. I promise you, there is good around the corner. I can feel it!