The lyrics days are the ones you should watch out for. Those days are the days in which my mind is in overdrive- but I couldn’t possibly get it all down. Those days are brick-laying days. Labored thoughts, concreted beliefs…
It happened the other night. I was laying in bed and a thought took over my mind and actually had me standing up in my room. I don’t look at him the same, anymore. I still see the handsomeness of his face, and the truths I want so badly to exist there- but really, it’s all genetic make-up. His face is pleasing with it’s symmetry and lines, and that is all. If it was the face I held in Tifton, I’m no longer sure. A figment doesn’t exist in real life, does it?
When we are children, some of us have imaginary creatures or friends. I always tried to pretend someone was there- but I don’t remember really seeing anyone. Eventually I learned- it didn’t serve me to pretend that anything existed, because I had fun on my own. I have to stop pretending he exists now and I know it’s painful because I felt, and hoped and wanted. I don’t want to destroy that pain because it means- I felt something true. To just be able to say, “Yup. Today is Tuesday and I’m not in love with him anymore-“ means it would have been fake inside of me. There’s been so many break-ups where I’ve later said, “I didn’t love them at all!” And that realization comes to pass, because the pain of it- really destroys whatever you feel. Even years down the road I could say- figments- that’s all it was. Beautiful memories, or experiences shared- but that isn’t lasting love. So what makes this different? (I ask myself this on a daily basis,) it’s that- even in gaining what I truly want- I know. I feel it, and It’s not the fact that I’m on my knees begging for the man to come to his poorly navigated senses- because I’m going, and I’m successful and I feel.. happy- (and somewhat sexier in the process.) But- it’s knowing that your love for someone isn’t based on moments in time, or experiences this time around. It’s even when they hurt you- even knowing about Her, and the lies- the want for him to be happy overrides the want for him to get eaten by rabid cougars. It’s seeing the pain in his face, but feeling the confidence.
Truth: I’ve never felt such confidence in walking away. Maybe this is that moment they talk of. Where you realize that you played your best- and you gave your all, and the little mistakes don’t matter, because you weren’t in love with the idea of love, or easy street- you were in love with the man who sits before you and is asking what side of the garage you want the things to be moved.
So I took- for once, for me. I took my moment I always wanted- where you imagine… if you had this person in the room for a while- and you felt confident enough to talk- and ask respectfully, (not demand,) answers- and you knew they’d give them… what would you ask? We had an hour like that last night. We layed on the bed we bought together, and we looked at each other when we spoke.
I’ll never have the answers I want. Because the answer I want- are disguises. Let’s face it: When you ask, “How can love go away in weeks?” And they answer, “Kate, I just don’t know,” And instead of getting frustrated, you realize- You want this answer. “My love for you didn’t go away. The truth is, I was selfish and wasn’t finding the immediate gratification or fix that I wanted and it wore down, so I searched for something else, and in the guilt of finding something else realized I wasn’t giving you what you deserved.” And of course- that won’t be said- but I understand.
I’m not crying. Is that strange? I chopped my hair off- and it’s like that was my release. All my friends who had seen me in the past couple weeks had seen someone who really needed to stop crying. And somehow- on my own terms, I stopped that, too.
We disguise how we’re feeling in silly terms, “You go girl! You can do this!” And in all reality- I feel like it’s ok I shrug my shoulders, smile and say, “Meh.” Because erasing him is not something I’m really wanting to do. If nothing else I’ve learned that doesn’t come by other men, or other experiences. It doesn’t come by hanging on for MORE pain. And it surely doesn’t come because I want to wake up one day and say, ‘Screw him.’ It comes when it’s ready, and maybe this time- Jason will get a partner in my head. Someone I’ll always wonder about- and someone that has something I could never quite get back. But… I won’t go searching for it again. Even years after it all- I still tried to stuff other men into little boxes with his name on it. I ripped apart the box.. and maybe? That’s what I needed. He was this huge cloud hanging over my head for so long- with all these perfect memories, (that were not really perfect, but seemed so,) and it was all coming down to the inability to let an IDEA go. Jason left, and moreso? I screamed and caused a fight in my wildly pregnant state- and I demanded to drop him off. He still called after that- but I told him to leave me alone. Jason left and I pushed him away. And he- found happiness… which is good, and needed. Josh is going to go away soon- the days of counting down have begun. I move on Friday, (Into my own place- which you’ll see many blogs about,) but the days of seeing his face or even counting on that- are diminishing. And strangely- I find myself thinking, “Fly away, boy.” I’m not going to wait for him to sweep back down to earth and realize his error, (if it’s even an error,) and I certainly won’t put myself in the position to derail his own flight, and mine. He says, “If it’s meant to be, it will.” I think, “You had a chance with my heart- and I’m not sure I want it back- I want to grow something bigger, better- and uncensored from everything else that’s happened.” I know we retain the parts of us that have been hurt- but I think we can overcome the insecurities it causes, if we’re lucky.
I take this one day at a time, and I’m experiencing new emotions in myself. I wasn’t ready for this after the B. debacle- I wasn’t ready to understand who I was- or what I offered. Now… I’m ready.
