On the long list of things I hate the phrases, “I love you,” and “I’m sorry” rank up there with, “Ava is exploding poop out of her pants,” and “You’re Fired.” Esencially they’re all the same thing. –Shit.- And that’s essentially- the majority of my anger. I could be angry, sure. I’d have plenty to be bitter about. I’m good at bitter. An expert.
I give you floating- because on the bus this morning on my first 3 hour long commute, (don’t ask,) it occurred to me that I was spending much too much time flailing my arms and legs, and trying to do something that resembles treading water. Why do people tread water anyway? There’s not really a storm. The sea is murky- but ironically, it’s reached a dark, calm. I’m tired. I’m going to float.
And when they ask about me? You can say, “That’s the girl that swore she had all the answers until she realized the answers were the very things holding her back.” You can tell them- she realized that having all the answers in the moment the crisis arose, never really helped her. She always had to think of different solutions in the end. And she- survived. Because- no matter what, that’s what ends up happening.
Life is Chutes and Ladders. The moment you’ve pulled ahead- there’s that pink slide to remind you, “you beastly girl, nothing worth having is ever easy and nothing easy ever lasts.” I lack foresight- that’s probably my biggest problem. For a while I sincerely thought, “I’ve really gotten the short stick. Life is looking up. See? I’ll be like the other girls!” So this? Is my pleasant reminder that I’m Kate-Farking-Hindes, and that curveballs are my specialty. I remain hopeful to the fact that we’re not 3/3… yet. He’s got his own waves to tread- and really, we’re in separate bodies of water.
It’s incredibly hard for me to be supportive when things are up in the air. My finest moments of failure have involved countless questions, throwing my hands in the air and demanding anything short of miracles. (I’m good at it.) If there was an award for best presentation by a girl losing what she wanted and refusing to see middle ground.. I’m the winner across the universe. Hands down. I’m brilliant, this way.
In conclusion- I have no answers. And … I’m terrible at finding middle ground. And? I’m awful at not freaking out. And… I’m bitter, but brilliant. (At least I have that.) And… I love him more than I could ever express. Knowing he loves me and wants to work it out- makes it somewhat more bearable. Not knowing how we’ll work it out- breaks my heart.
come by when you get off work
i will be sitting around doing nothing
we can wait until the sun goes down
then we will drive off deep into the night
i don’t care where we are going
as long as i’m going with you
the summer swells in
with the heat comes a new kind of wanting
cool nights never cooled us off
lay around and wait for something to happen
when it is three lonely figures
a bedroom, a basement, she is scared
which one is sleeping and which one is lying awake?
which one is sleeping and which one is lying about it?
afternoon drags on and on
movie nights that never end
we can hang out all night long
lay in bed and talk to a good friend
because you only get older and you probably forget what it is like
the university is quiet today
we didn’t clean
we just talked in the bathroom
the girl always gets in the way
ruined friendships but others replace them
these opinions are poison
i have been drinking them all of my life
i could never replace you
and i could never forget what its like
step out on a moonlit roof
the radio leads a feel good revolution
cigarettes and my closest friends
i tell myself that i have to remember this
i have to remember this
Bright Eyes
