Mornings are always a rough spot for our family. I’m prone to sleeping longer than I should, and I always find myself in a mad-rush in the mornings. (The thought of getting the kiddo up, fed, and off to preschool every morning with actual food in her stomach terrifies me,) but I know I’ll manage.
This morning I came up the stairs to find Aves licking peanut butter and jelly off her hands, instead of the toast the resided on her plate. I pulled on my shoes as she reached out her arms, (I’m going to thoroughly miss Grandma daycare,) and she asked for ‘snuggles.’ I peeked at the clock and realized, (I can always spare a few minutes for actual cuddling with her,) so off we went. She held on to my neck as we discussed all the adventures that awaited her today, and she leaned back and looked at me and said…
“Mommy, I never, ever, ever leave you.”
This is the same phrase I tell her in the stores, if my back is turned, and she can’t see my face. She is worried that she’ll be left to her own toddler devices in the store, (just like any other child, I assume,) and lately she frets over not having me close.
I looked at her, smiled and stroked her hair- if only it was this simple. Little girls grow up- too fast. And the snuggles move towards hugs goodnight, and then arms only wrapped around mothers when they are sad, or in pain. Like the moment I heard her first ‘babbles’ I knew, these moments were special, and too few and far between. Soon, she goes to ‘pre’ pre-school, and she’ll be a part of a large class, (something she hasn’t experienced.) She’ll experience her own version of life’s race, to stand out amongst the many, and make friends. She’ll come home to arms that adore her, and want to hold her for as long as possible, and hopefully to a place that will teach her the other important lessons- the ones that don’t involve adding or colors, it’s the ones that involve humanity that truly matter. They’re only little for so long, then everyone deems them like everyone else- and they hurry them along to learn as much as possible, and feel as much as possible so the ultimate goal of ‘monetary’ success and great accomplishments await.
I remember being in kindergarten- and running my hands along the cold brick of William Byrne Elementary, wishing I could be home watching cartoons and eating scrambled eggs. I know she’ll have moments as those, even as she gets older, and I’ll have moments of wishing for mornings on the couch and hearing a little girl’s heartfelt promise that she could never leave her mother, and in a way- she’s right.
Who she is, and what she’ll become will always be with me. We’ll always be connected, her and I, and in the moments we wish most to have each other around- we will, because she has me inside her, as I had her inside me.
Moments of brilliance with my Ava.
I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
My heart) I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
By only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear
No fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want
No world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
And it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing is you
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
And the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
Higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
And this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)
-ee cummings
