I have a confession. I still check on the blogs of a few people I no longer speak to, (be it exes, friends- etc.) It’s all dwindled down to but one, and everytime I read it now, I can see his anger passing, and the wisdom coming through. I think we fall to a place, and in scraping with our hands to climb back up, we leave words as scars- because we want everyone who affected us to know their part. I’m incredibly guilty of this, and those days in writing, recently and past- brought me the most peace.
I found- I just gave into the pain, the stress and the anger- because I finally realized- I had no control over situations, and only had control over my reactions. For a while, I stopped reacting, I re-focused…. and I won.
There’s been little bumps lately- with putting in the offer for the house, and re-negociating, figuring out the kids’ schedules- and floating above another threat of cancer. 2 operations later, I’m fine, (thankyouverymuch.) And through all this- I breathed, a different type of breathing I suppose, and I focused in on the other things that were going so right.
An ex recently uploaded a blog, and although I won’t link to it directly, I hope he doesn’t mind if I paste his ‘pearls of wisdom,’ for all to see.
As I swam out, for what I would soon learn was the last wave for me that day, I noticed the water getting very high, very fast. It turned out to be the single largest wave that I would have ever personally witnessed in my life. Now I had already done this a few times and felt that I had the hang of things. Unfortunately for me, I was sorely mistaken. As the wave began to crest and topple over… so did I. I found myself trapped inside what I can only describe and a horizontal vortex.
I hadn’t really taken a large breath of air prior to being pulled under because it had caught me by surprise. I was rotating so fast, I actually became dizzy almost instantly. With the amazing force of the rotation, coupled with my lack of air, I found myself wondering whether or not I’d actually long enough to see the sunset again.
I was just deep enough that my arms couldn’t break the surface of the water, but shallow enough to still see a great deal of light pouring through the water. I couldn’t tell the sky from the ocean floor, and was spinning so fast that even if I could there was no chance I could break the cycle to swim in either direction. It took all my willpower to force myself not to gasp for air as I was pretty sure a lung full of salt water would only make things worse. I tried to fight my way out, but it was useless. There was nothing I could do, and I would just have to wait and see where this force of nature was going to take me. There wasn’t really much of a choice in the matter.
After what seemed like an eternity, the wave crashed against the beach and slammed my body against the sand. Air! Finally! I gasped as quickly as I could to fill my lungs with air. A little too fast, it would seem, began a coughing fit. I lay on my side for a few moments covered with a thin lair of sand, in a complete daze, not entirely certain what to think about the situation. I turn on my back, facing the sky to see my Father standing over me with a smirk on his face.
His first words to me were, “Are you dead?” “Yeah, a little, ” I replied. “Good,” he said, “Maybe that’ll teach you not to fight something you bigger than you.” I painfully laughed after just having taken a wall of sand on at 30 MPH (not like I had the speed measured or anything, but suffice to say it really hurt). You’ve got to admit, as much as he might have been right (and funny)… it was still as ass of a thing to say.
I say this because there are a few of you who will read this. Of those, a few who (myself included) need to learn something very important. Sometimes there are forces at work that you have no control over. There will be instances where you can only hang on and hope to make it out the other side in one piece. Or as a good friend of mine would say, “Doesn’t matter how it worked out so long as you come out of it with dignity and grace.” Can’t say that I necessarily did that day. Though, that doesn’t mean I won’t this time around.
With everything going on, I feel reminded of that moment. This time I’m going to try my best not to fight it. Instead, I’m going to do everything I can to have faith that I’ll make it to shore in one piece. -J.M
I thought the words were lovely. I thought that– was the perfect example of everything I was trying to say, (only he did… in all honesty, say it better.) There’s times of floating, and kicking- and times in which I don’t know which action to do first, and always- times of wisdom.
I think the older we get, the more we realize the importance of only reacting to the things we can control. This is especially pertinent today, as my hubby-to-be and I are invited to his ex-family’s get together, (including the ex-wife, and ex-parental units.) Normally, I’d say, “Count me out. I’ll be somewhere .. else.” But- he wanted me to go, (he’s stayed very close to his ex- brother in law, and I’ll be meeting him for the first time.) So, it’ll be me, the kids, families and a ridiculous urge to run away… which I’m really good at? This is bigger than me, and I’m not going to fight it. (Although- we’d better leave after a few hours. It’s just cruel and unusual.)
For those of you who have gone through, ‘stepmom-dom,’ I salute you. Between the exes, and families and rules and adjustments, and bargaining, (thank god she’s an angel- can you imagine?) It’s a little.. too much. I tend to stay away from the ‘step-parent’ websites, because it’s only caused inner emotional turmoil. Headlines such as, “My 16yo stepdaughter beats me,” and (a personal favorite,) “Daddy Issues 101,” has not really leant to … a peaceful nights sleep. It’s like your first moments as a mom, you struggle between losing your 24 year old boobs to breastfeeding, or hearing everyone say how wrong it is to bottlefeed. Everyone has horror stories, everyone has opinions. (I stay off the cancer boards as well, after hearing that after someone’s latest procedure, (that I just had,) they are now incapable of using the restroom.) I die, a little- when I hear these stories, and I immediately wonder, (is that what is going to happen??)
Everything seems to be reduced to the Maury Show. There’s a worst-case-scenerio for every situation. Being fairly un-lucky, and having the agility of a noodle, has not helped me thus far- but… I think the luck is starting to change.
We close on the house on the 26th, (Countdown, please.) And we’ve found Aves a really decent daycare, and a new bus schedule for me.
Thanks for your wisdom, J.