Suddenly, you’re single. People seem to climb over metal gates, and translucently filter through proverbial walls to try to connect with you again. There are the people who want a way in- so they’ll listen. They’ll offer advice that you normally would pay for, with a more sensitive approach. Those are the caregivers- they almost forget everything, and you learn to lean on these people who take your calls at 3am, when you wonder if your ex is shaking the bed with someone who only recently learned algebra, or maybe it’s all in your mind. You learn to trust again- with the caregivers- and you become somewhat dependant on their advice, and the remarkable way they are able to see the situation. They almost help  you stand up again, and just like a parent to a child, you start walking on your own.

You wonder what kind of trainwreck you looked like during those beginning stages. The confusion of every email that you forwarded them, and the ways they giggled at your deductive reasoning. And for a while- you didn’t care how you looked the only thing you cared about was what you were not- and that’s when they came in with magic words, and the steadfast attitude, and you gave in- you let go, you learned and you evolved.  During this process, you know somehow- things probably changed. You were selfishly focused on your path, and they were focused on helping- (unselfishly,) but somehow- signals were crossed- and months down the line, when you’re figuring life out, navigating waves better, and ultimately- succeeding- you know they are angry at you.

People call me at 3am sometimes, and it makes me feel like the most important soul in the world. A friend emails me pictures of their darling baby room and I feel like suddenly- the importance of my opinion is now heightening to a disgusting level. I feel important when I can be there for you. And that’s the shit of it.

I think we model what people have been to us. If we haven’t experienced the kind of people who ease our pain with their words, or remedy a situation with their practicality, we’re not able to learn and model it ourselves. I have an amazing base of friends that come and go, (we’re all flakes,) and we seem to bond together when we need each other most, and we could go weeks without speaking. I once read the quote, “it’s the people you can call at 3am that matter,” and I have an enormous amount of people I know would take that call. What scares me most though- is I wonder, as I grow older, and navigate happiness more than pain… the calls seem to be subsiding a bit. Are we all getting happier? Or when we see someone happy, are we less likely to lean on them?

My ziggystardust says that life is all aquision and loss- ebbs and flows. It’s chaos of waves and undercurrents right now and my incredible excitement at everything that is happening, and incredible disappointment at seeing the pain of others is heightened at this moment.

About two months ago- to the day, everyone bonded together. People came and packed me- took my calls at 2 and 4am, and spoke words of such encouragement- that sometimes- months later, I can’t express my true emotional- THANKS for everything. I see a lot of them moving in seperate directions, as am I. It’s the breakfast club- all of us misfits, coming together, and seperating, only leaving with more than we came with, but a sense of emptiness all the same. I want what’s fair- to be there in their moments of darkness as they were the light in mine. And, being the utter control freak that I am- I want to be able to KNOW-EXACTLY when those moments are, so I can prepare, (naturally.)

To all those that came unselfishly-  thank you. It’s a strange, and unexpected thing that’s happened in two months. (Which perhaps makes up for 11 years of terrible dating choices, but whatevs.) Your consideration, and your support brought me to where I am. And what better words are there of total and complete thanks?

JPStarbucks and I recently spoke about the human condition- and my obsession with love and equality- and what he’s learned in his process of life. We all want love- to such an extent, we sometimes cut ourselves off from it, and we sometimes suffocate those around us for fear of abandonment, itself.

…that is all. :)