We sat once on a swingset under the stars. You told me your stories and I put my hand on my stomach- do you remember?
We met at a bar, and you got behind me and told me that this ‘was a story to tell the grandkids’- do you remember?
We swayed along side Deathcab and you looked at me with tears in your eyes, and I had waterworks in mine, and we sang together hand in hand- do you remember?
We got up in the Cheesecake factory and you asked me to dance, and there we danced right in front of all the people in booths- Do you remember?
We had a fight and I walked two miles holding my high heels along the parkway while you drove along side me in your car to make sure no one hurt me, and when I got home? We kissed and you said you were sorry- do you remember?
Out of all my memories, and my favorite moments, (which are far too many to continue to recall,) my favorite is tonight, with you, on a hill under the stars. It’s not a fear of jinxing it, (ifyoubreakmyheardillkillyou,) rather- you tell me, we cannot be broken, so I look at you looking at me- and I wonder how could it all fall into place like this? It’s been a carnival ride, and we’ve been lost at the park, haven’t we? Like some sort of Hollywood movie, we always managed to be near, but never near enough. “I don’t believe in love.” I tell you this, and you smile- because you know that you want to change my mind. We sit and stare because it’s almost like we met under the worst circumstances ever, and I did everything in my power to tell you that I had no need for you. But you smiled, and came back.
So in the last month- I had 7 first dates, 6 second dates, and a few third dates. I joined a softball team, swam in a pool, described my ideas of love to people I met randomly, and let go of something I’ve been holding onto since it all started.
They said I was magnetic- three people in one day. Unprovoked. Unsolicited. People. I’ve been told this for a while- not lately… not really since college. But my mother always said, I had a twinkle. This twinkle, in all it’s glory- has proved deadly by attracting moths, and things that didn’t want to suck the light- but glow with me. They recharged me, and I recharged them, and soon- we were all glowing.
It’s this day- it’s the 9th now, but on the 8th- the 8th, I figured it out. Of all the losing and gaining- the parts of myself- it’s bizarre how many people I’ve met. G; who had a girlfriend but talked to me- and helped me realize important parts of myself, and D; who’s bad boy image reminded me of who I was- the N’s of the world- the clingy ones, who fan, then scorch- and the silent J’s. It’s always J’s.. isn’t it?
I spoke of webs on June 8th, never understanding that in a month- I could come to realize the importance of really becoming who I wanted to be- never having to beg people to be in the circle with me- but rather, being who I was- drew them.
If I told you- that for the first time in my life- I couldn’t get the words out, would you believe me? It’s not for sincerity of trying- perhaps it’s because the greatest moments of awakening are undescribable. I try so often to reach out and share the creations in my head and spirit. It’s like seeing the future- and not being able to share the secret. Seeing a map- and knowing you could never outline the continents with your hands, that you saw with your eyes. It’s confusion, and frustration.
I’ve had my moments all along, and I keep hearing the same things. If I am magnetic, maybe it could be lasting, because I really, really- don’t want the knowledge or holding someone’s hand on a hill to go away. I thought I wasn’t ready to hear those three words, (the ones we put such stock by.) I’ve been ready my whole life.