GO PLACIDLY
AMIDST THE NOISE AND HASTE…
and remember what peace there may be in silence
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly & clearly; and listen to others, even the dull
& ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud & aggressive persons, for they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others; you may become vain & bitter;
for always there will be greater & lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real
possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nature strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune
but do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gently with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is
unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labours & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life
keep peace with your soul.
With al its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be careful. Strive to be happy.

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It’s storming out- the electrical kind in which you swear someone is just flipping a light switch, and you feel the tiny hairs on your neck stand still. The clouds are menacing- they look like giant whales as they glide by the picture window- (strangely low to the ground.) It’s almost better than a movie- watching the clouds dissipate above my head.  What looked so menacing, moments ago- the rain trampling down and covering everything- suddenly stops- and that’s how it goes, isn’t it? A dark sky turns blue, and suddenly- my fears subside.

We love to feel wanted, don’t we? I love to feel like that things I’ve given weren’t forgotten, and today, as sick and absolutely wrong as it was, someone showed me that he remembered what I gave, (even if it was in a selfish sense.) It’s the moment you wait for, when you run into someone in the grocery store, or somewhere convenient, and you exchange awkward greetings. Up until about 3pm today, I was sure I was still in some sort of love with him. (Him that has, no name.) And I was sure- because I loved someone so incapable of loving me back, that I was incapable to love anyone else. It was a storm, and strangely- whether it was the story of him going down on his now-girlfriend in a parking garage, (no joke,) or the fact that he asked if I’d be up for getting it on again, I realized… I don’t love him. I had been in a fog for sadly– (almost exactly,) a month- thinking that holding onto love- because I thought I truly found it in another, would be the right thing to do, to not let it go so easily- to not rush out to the first person who came along. I pushed good people aside because I really wasn’t ready to give anything else, and although I still find myself- not ready- to really give what I gave him, I find myself realizing, I gave what I had, but I nodded and smiled as I dropped the string, today.

I can be friends with people that hurt me surprisingly well. Any therapist will tell you, it’s out of pure ignorance and being raised by a mother that taught forgiveness to everything- but part of me, doesn’t mind letting the anger go when it comes to that point and just living my life.  I also call this: Being a woman. We’re taught to disregard our feelings and care for others, almost to the detriment of ourselves.  Luckily, I’m  a woman who knows my own worth, and knows that it wouldn’t be found in an ex’s bed, or in his car, where an 18 year old was before.

Anger dissipates and makes for terrible journal entries, but an entirely peaceful mind. I have amazing friends who giggled with me, and reminded me of how far I’ve come. Thank you.