We learn things, in such short spans of time- about ourselves and our true desires.
Sometimes, I miss him. The loudness of it all pounded through my brain in the beginning, and now it’s almost like an infrequent, low buzz. It hits when I see the strangest of things, and reminds me of who I was.
I will always long to understand, but for some questions, answers will never exist. In that, lies life.
It has almost been a month, and as I contemplated over the weekend- the vastness of change, my ideas and former dreams- like skins I’ve shed- lost… I also gained.
I have done more in the last month than I have done in years. I stopped saying the word, “No.” And started listening to those around me. I joined a softball team, (and didn’t strike out- not once!) I swam in a pool, (which most of you know is as taboo for me as it gets.) I laughed so hard publically, people turned around and stared. I wept in people’s arms I barely knew, and I heard, “Mommy, you are my favorite,” out of my daughter’s sweet mouth. I stopped saying no to everything that I’ve been holding back, and it’s been a ride.
I’ve met people, so many wonderful people. People that kindly still email, and I try to get back to- and they are incredbly patient. (Thank you.) I met N; whose longing to love someone, for the first time in my adult life- I have found to surpass mine. He wanted more than I could give, and the feeling of knowing I didn’t have what he so wanted – left me feeling guilty and incredibly tortured. I saw myself in him- and perhaps, that’s what scared me the most. I met people who loved jazz, and musicals, and someone I’m able to help with a fall production. I met someone who’s turning into an amazing friend, and someone who I can’t imagine not meeting at all. Ava’s found daycare with a friend of mine, (all the pieces just fell into place, strangely-) and I even found a girl to hang out with- to boot. I think of him, in these moments- when I know I shouldn’t and I wish that the night I said, “I will become who I want to be- and you will miss me,” … I wish he had the foresight to see now. I wish I had the same vision to realize, that the moments which drive us to our knees are often the greatest moments of change. He told me once, “You’ll change, and you’ll be perfect for the next person you meet, it won’t be me, and that makes me sad.” He was right, because, I met myself.
Work is keeping me occupied with thoughts of setting fire to anything red- but I’m managing. The home life has been somewhat- dull, and in that very state I’m happiest.
It’s strange, how everything happens when you’re indifferent. (Which- I always told myself is a terrible state to be in- but for now- I find indifference to be completely and utterly freeing.) I’m starting to see the more I pull away and focus on myself, the more people seem to dig that- which worries me. The more emotionally unavailable I become? The more people like to chase… and that should be outlawed. Maybe it’s the contentment I’ve found- who knows.
…Im falling asleep.