I think it signifies everything. I opened my jewelry box this evening and there, right on top was the necklace I’ve been missing for weeks. How many times had I opened that box? (At least a dozen.) The necklace was never on top, or, maybe I’ve just been too pre-occupied to see it. There it stood, tangled up under a few pins and earrings, I put it on and it felt right again. I wore green, and I went out.
I went with a friend of mine to Como. He was kind enough to take all sorts of pictures with me, and I got a few shots worthy of doctor’s office boringness- but the place calms me- nevertheless. Perhaps it was the perfect night- with company I didn’t have to be on my toes with, or worried what I looked like with- we enjoyed the weather and we talked of our past lives.
I came home tonight, uploaded pictures and started scrolling through Flickr. His pictures were still up- the ones where he sang to Ava, or tenderly took her hand. This blessid child has so many people that care about her- sometimes I marvel in the pictures- her serene face, and the wonder of watching your child learn from another human being. He taught her silliness, and love- he taught her the way things worked, (for her toddler mind,) and he was patient. She’s stopped asking questions, and we’ve welcomed back the normality of life here- in the only way we could.
I took the pictures to another folder, tonight. I saved one- one of by far- my favorite pictures of all time- her hand grasping his- I think that’ll stay up. It’s merely hands, not faces, and I love the way hers looks.
I think other people go through this, like my friend tonight- suddenly you’re a family, suddenly you’re nothing, and suddenly there are pictures everywhere that just don’t belong.
I feel like me again- not wishing, or hoping or carelessly thrusting myself out to someone else. I’m finding the peace in moments- watching Ava grow, taking snapshots of a summer- I want so much to be everything I imagine in my mind. And with that ounce of hope, I reserved for such things- the rationed out portion just waiting in the cupboard for consumption… I truly think it will be.