All the blue light reflections that color my mind when I sleep
And the lovesick rejections that accompany the company I keep
All the razor perceptions that cut just a little too deep
Hey I can bleed as well as anyone, but I need someone to help me sleep
There are moments of enlightenment. Some occur with the sunshine warming your face, and- others occur face-down tearing up listening to a good friend tell you his wisdom- as you try to hold back the tears. Why didn’t I think of this sooner?
One of my good friends, is leaving for New York on Monday morning. This isn’t a vacation, or a weekend trip- he’s going to the city of opportunity for a job, (because if anyone could pull it off- he could,) and.. he’s slightly crazypants. I met him about six months ago, it was new year’s eve- we were both lonely, and I decided that after the B. fiasco- the last thing I needed was a serious relationship. We did all that and more, he brought me flowers at Target, and we broke up too many times to mention, and lately- we’ve been giggling at each other’s dating debauchles. I picked him up today, we planned on hanging out with some of our friends for a goodbye dinner- but with weather and whatever forces of nature occurred, it ended up just being us- my car, and the decision in where to eat. To save you the story of crying for 4 blocks and deciding just to go back and order pizza, I’ll tell you- we ended up eating key lime pie in the kitchen and I ended up crying over someone who really… at this point? Deserves no tears.
He sat with me, and we didn’t talk much of his fears of moving, instead- he talked with me about my fear of not letting life go, right now. I had been doing amazing things, (strides- giant leaps.. pre-cautionary glances,) but I was moving. I had a few dates, I had friends that I hadn’t seen in what seemed like years calling- I had a booked calendar again, and in it all- a text from someone brought more tears than it should have- because, really- “Let’s-be-friends,-but-I’m-going-to-lie-to-you-about-everything,” doesn’t work. (Either does being friends, but this is a precautionary glance in the pool of giant leaps- so I don’t put too much in the fact that I thought, (for a brief moment that awesomehappyfriends would ever be the case. I’m a flaming idiot- we get this.)
I looked at him and he looked at me, and closing my eyes, he told me life’s greatest truth, (one that we hide deep down inside ourselves, past the secrets and the pain we carry.) We do this, to ourselves.
I’m not sure why we reach for fire, or get in the water when we know we cannot swim. What I do know is that when your heart, (or lack of mindset,) is involved- sometimes you forget in a truly ignorant sense that everytime you reach to the heat- it indeed, hurts like hell. I closed my eyes and with his hand on my back, he told me to imagine a fire- and that every intention, and passion- the things I was carrying- they were doing absolutely no good. They made me warm- and comfortable, but at the same time- the warmth was burning- I was suffocating in the smoke- I wasn’t who I was meant to be.
I sat a while thinking of those words. I saw his face behind the flame, and the lies, and every intention- the things that no longer really matter to even type out. I imagined if I stared long enough, that maybe his face would ash- maybe the crackle of all the stupid things I had tried and failed at would shatter my eardrums. But really- the only consolation was his face, behind the flames of everything I kept reaching to. I imagined the heat would be a warning- and I’d pull my hand away next time.
Progress comes in the smallest of images, doesn’t it? We write for a day, and then we backslide, we talk for hours, but we still wonder what his voice would sound like on the phone again- when he’s not telling you what he so knows you want to hear- or just blatant, unmeaning- lies. He’s always been a liar, and I’ve always been a believer. And he- was never my Winona.
We sat tonight in uptown, and he read tarot for me. I had never had a reading before, and he showed me how to ask a question in which he knew he could answer. I asked- “When will I find what I so want?” I should state, I expected a movie moment here. That he would turn over the cards, and a swelling base would suddenly crescendo into horror on his face as I gasped- oh no! It was the card of death! The room would swirl… and as luck would have it- I suddenly found out that I was dying. But no- sometimes a lack of these moments are perfect, (not that I’d have believed in it anyway,) but he giggled when I told him all this. My cards stated that I was in confusion right now, (srsly?) They stated I knew what I had to do, and that self-enlightenment would be my reward. (Srsly?) And it’s strange, that I half-hearted-hoped that he would blurt, ‘Kate! They are speaking to me!” and give me the exact time and date to wait at a corner when lives would collide and he’d spill his coffee on me and I’d smile, and suddenly- the universe was all in order. The cards just told me- that I had it all, in myself- that my struggle was already in process of being over- that I was indeed what I viewed myself to be, and a few additional positive things the rest of the world saw in me. He seemed confused when I smiled- but I had known all along.
We take chances, don’t we? I took a chance being friends with a 6-month ago ex- that turned into a beautiful friendship- and someone I wished could stay around for a little longer. I suppose those cards were the universes’ way of telling me, “You don’t need to tap your stiletto heels to get where you need to go, open your eyes, darling- you’re already there.”
I’ll miss you, Uptown boy.