Most movies today, that are in the action realm, feature stories about characters finding something- be it an ancient cup, some sort of device, or sometimes, even love.
We all know the story by heart. Girl meets boy, girl develops feelings with boy, maybe girl sleeps with boy, girl finds happiness with boy, Boy leaves. (Feel free to interchange the genders. Girls leave equal to boys.)
In essence, they are both searching, just for different things.
In the movies, the hero(ine,) is searching for something tangible, something they’ve longed for, and something that doesn’t come into light without trials and bad guys, and the adventure of finding one’s self in the process.
Sometimes, we don’t want to know who we truly are- the journey into ourselves is the scariest one of all. Coming to terms with what we do and why we do it, has stages. We deny, blame, martyr and accept. (This is at least, what I do.)
He and I fought. I’m going to deny that I had a hand in it because I’m angry at an action –he- did. Then I’m noticing my anger at him, so I’ll blame him. Then I’ll see that blaming him doesn’t work, so I’ll do the, “fine, fine.. it’s all my fault.” Fine, Fine’s don’t work either, so.. I’ll accept- it was a two-person process.
It’s interesting to see this process play out in the breakup-sense as well.
If I am not ready for the breakup, I’m going to deny it’s happening. I’ll pretend that it’s just something we’ll ‘go through,’ and something we can ‘overcome.’ Then comes the blaming. He didn’t do this, or he doesn’t want me, or he is a total and complete (enter expletive here,) for not wanting me. He is causing me pain- blah, blah, blah. Then comes martyrdom. I’ll do this.. and show him that I’ll be better. I’ll wear my cutest clothes to see him. Look! I did my hair the way he liked. It was all my fault and I can fix it! (Which also- ironically brings us emotionally back to step one.) And the cycle continues, and continues until the realization comes into play- (ding, ding, ding,) Dude.. we’re alone now.
So.. then comes acceptance. I think it’s all interchangeable- like you could accept something, then blame, and go through the rest of the steps. I think you can definetly jump back in stages, but not forward without completing all. (You’d be kidding yourself if you went from blame to fine, without addressing something within yourself.)
Realizing this is the process- these are the steps, I can see myself in the last part of it, (in the first phase.) I think it’s an interesting psychological thought to really understand how our minds work, and the processes we go through when we’re scared to let go. If we fight it- we’ll never get there.
I had a couple emails from people wondering how I addressed everything and feelings so fast. I think it’s possibly because my ears are perked at the thought of watching myself, (and somewhat dis-associating myself,) in the learning process. Not dis-associating to a point where I’m watching my other self merely go through the actions, but being constantly present, and evaluating why I’m feeling what I am- and how to not let triggers let me be reactionary to things- which, is a total bitch. Keep in mind that my focus for the past three days has been my center- and what I’m constantly feeling. I’m lucky in a sense that I’m able to write down what I’m thinking, if it’s significant- and then review later. A lot of people don’t have the time to do this. (I made time.) I made myself my own experiment- complete with prodding my psyche and analyzing everything. (To the point my friends, no doubt are totally sick of me.)
Another question I received:
“Is this really all about a break-up?” Yes, and no. I refuse to say “I lost,” so- I am disassociating myself with someone who I care about deeply. I’m noticing in the disassociation other ways in which I cling, or push items in my life. And seriously- it’s affecting all areas of my life.
My boss, (who is crazy,) decided to pull a $1,400 print job because he didn’t like some cap’s that our partner had inserted. He had proof read, he had ok’ed- and he had simply just changed his mind. That meant- I’d be at Kinko’s another late night, and a little bit MORE concerned about our budgeting and expense centers. I could: a) be incredibly angry, and vent to him. b.) Roll my eyes and do the change, or c.) implement something that makes him take a cold, hard look at materials before they go out. You can probably understand which one I chose. (Might I have chose this earlier?) Yes.. but just not without some sort of fight- some sort of buy-in that he should have to apologize, or do something because he wasted my time. In fact.. he get’s paid to waste my time. I willingly allow him to waste my time because I want to get paid. It’s a relationship, just not like the one with B. So in essence- a break-up started it, but the effects will be felt long after- in positive, strange ways.
That’s all for now.
You hang on to your pain like it means something, like its worth something… well let me tell you – its not worth shit. Let it go.
— Nathaniel Fisher, Sr.