…And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom…
-Anais Nin
What does it mean- to become? Do we drop everything that we are, that coincidentally we’re working for- everything on the ground to pick up something else? That’s how I’ve often seen this- becoming.
It was that magic moment- the ‘decide,’ the equasion I did in my head, while my heart beat so fast in my chest at the thought of it- I could have run races.
Maybe becoming just happens. Maybe in the presence of everything else- it’s almost like our nails growing, or grabbing that second Oreo- we barely notice. Of course, our brain is too involved in other things… that’s the beauty of it all, right? We can look back and wonder how it all happened so fast.
There’s many things I became, some I’m increasingly proud of- and others I’d like to just forget. I want to wipe out a year. The entirety of last year- I want gone. I could be a cliche` and say, “I needed that year to be who I am now.” But truthfully… I didn’t. Last year, I was spineless, and a coward. I am ashamed with my perception of love and genuine care. Last year? Total igorance. (That didn’t turn into bliss.)
I think for a while- I was afraid of success. Success? Meant change- needed change, that involved only me. If I had to pick last year- I’ll admit this openly… I would have picked marriage over a job- because that would have been at the time, far more comfortable for me- and something I knew I could do fine at. (I say ‘fine’ for a reason.)
I stayed in the temp world, under the radar, and dated increasingly pathetic men. I limited my scope of what I viewed success as for fear, or abandonment, or just plain stupidity- I didn’t think that I could be what I wanted without someone at my side- I really thought that. And that? Really brings tears to my eyes. What. Was. I. Thinking?
But becoming- and this year… already almost two months in.. is completely different. I’m successful- by myself- even after all the shit of this first month… I’m successful. I’m going to meet some pretty lofty goals this year- and by next year- if I keep my heart and my mind in the right place- I’ll be where I wanted to be and do what I only thought I could accomplish with a husband. (Which… I mean? Ladies? It’s huge- you know this.)
And this isn’t to say, I don’t want someone because everytime I see a few scenes in coupledom? The eyeroll hits the same time as the heart-tug, but I don’t feel like at this moment? That is my only dream.
It’s an amazing thing, in realizing the shoes on your feet do not belong to anyone else- they just belong to the person wearing them. I was walking towards all the wrong things.
I’m spending more time at home with Aves, and trying out my geek circle a bit more- and enjoying my time. (Which I never have enough of.) My focus right now is entirely selfish… (and?) I love it. I don’t feel like I have to keep up appearences, or worry about keeping in touch with people 24/7 for fear that they’ll be assholes and forget I’m here. (Friends like that aren’t friends- dually noted.) Those who don’t call me? I don’t call. I’ve noticed more answering machine messages and more emails. I think people appreciate the more- hands off-dom. I appreciate being busier with different things, and appreciating the in-between time. I felt like for so long? Out of fear of abandonment I was so tightly woven with those around me- I didn’t get to breathe. Getting sick, and taking a couple weeks to digest the news- was a good thing. It made me take steps back and really focus on who was still around me. It allowed me to appreciate those that normally go unappreciated, and re-evaluate the way I’m dating.
It’s that second Oreo that I never noticed putting in my mouth- I’m working and socializing and mommying.. and somewhere along the way? I got in step with it all. I’m grooving.
