But I look at you, warm in your dream
While your mobile dances above
And I think to myself
It’s a beautiful night
And I know everything
Is gonna be alright
Yes now I know
It’ll be alright
-Joshua Radin

I’m alright. (Better than alright, even.) I feel like 100lbs was just lifted from me, and I’m able to clearly plan again- this… is an amazing feeling.

I tried out for choir @ work on Thursday, before I headed out. I think I bombed and nailed in equal proportions- (I -killed- the song and scales and steps.. but absolute devastation I did to sight reading could ruin it all.) It was a last minute decision to audition- (Ididnotpracticeatallwhatsoever.) So- what shall be, will be. (But hopefully I’ll know next week.)

I know when someone says that they need surgery like a hole in their head- they mean it. I looked at this completely differently. I wanted them to scrape every piece of me out- every cell that had multiplied- like my pisspoor decisions over the years– and I wanted them flushed, cauterized and knifed into non-existence. I found such peace about this entire procedure. I had my matters in order, I went in with a smile on my face, (with completely scared and unnerved my poor mother,) and I woke up… just sleepy- that happy sleepy feeling when you want to snuggle back up and drawn out the voices around you. I came home- I ate a feast, and played with my daughter, and I’ve spend a remainder of this evening relaxing, and enjoying.

I was completely ready to die- and now, I’ll just have to remember to keep my affairs in order, to keep the promise to myself, not to fear what’s so often kept me up at night, and to keep grabbing everything and holding on.

I’m here to stay, goddammit.

I have no pain. NONE! And you’ll think it’s because of the drugs.. right? But it’s now 11:40 at night, and I’ve taken nothing. (I will probably curse this tomorrow,) but I feel… great. Not even tylonel– is that beyond weird?

So- a large part of my cervix is gone, and they were able to protect and preserve a remainder so in case I do, (I won’t,) change my mind about birthing other offspring- I might be able to. (But this complication on top of everything else? Makes being a happy mother of one- that much more important.)

I’m happy- I’m home, and I’m finally- (thank god,) going to get my shit together to move out after my scan to show that nothing’s coming back, and that my body? Is done with the temper tantrum it was having. I started listening to my body and my mind more since this. Seriously- the amount of stress I’ve been putting myself through for men who are – NOT WORTH IT – is ridiculous. The stress I brought onto my life by trying to work two jobs and be a mom, and be a friend- NOT WORTH IT -, and most importantly? The stress of always being the one to call some of my, ‘friends’ … not worth it- some of these people have been finding this out the last month and a half

To change the world,
Start with one step.
However small,
The first step is hardest of all.

Once you get your gate,
You will walk in tall.
You said you never did,
Cause you might die trying,
Cause you might die trying.
Cause you—

If you close your eyes,
Cause the house is on fire.
And think you couldn’t move,
Until the fire dies.
The things you never did,
Oh, cause you might die trying,
Cause you might die trying.
You’d be as good as dead,
Cause you might die trying,
Cause you might die trying.

If you give, you, you begin to live.
If you give, you begin to live.
You begin, you get the world.
If you give, you begin to give
You get the world, you get the world.
If you give, you begin to live.

You might die trying.
Oh, you might die trying.
Yeah, you might die trying.

The things you never did,
Cause you might die trying;
You’d be as good as dead.
You never did.